HOLY SHIT! OMFG!!! EXCLUSIVE!!!! FRANKY ENDORSES KERRY!! MUST CREDIT DRUDGE!!
Fuck It! Vote John Kerry.
I had to struggle for a while on this endorsement. I momentarily considered endorsing George W. Bush, simply because he generates more bullshit than I ever thought possible from one human being. In fact a recent study conducted by this site found Bush to be the leading cause of bullshit in the country.
I realize that by supporting John Kerry I am, in effect, casting off my primary meal ticket. I am, however, confident that no matter who wins there will be more than enough bullshit to keep me busy. I'm actually looking forward to a reduction in the amount of bullshit I have to sift through. One of the most clever tactics of the Bush administration is to lie so fast and so often that there is no time to debunk all of their shit. While I'm still working on a response to their "activist judges" and "defense of marriage" bullshit, they are firing off some bullshit about how "trial lawyers like John Edwards are the reason health care costs so much". And before i can ever start on that, someone is busy preparing some other bullshit about Russia collaborating with Syria on some unrelated bullshit. It's like trying to handle New York City's sewage needs with a bucket and some rubber gloves.
I realize that a proper endorsement requires some ass kissing toward the endorsee, so get ready and bend over Mr. Senator.
John Kerry got the party started real early. In 1966 he enlisted in the Navy and went through officer training, eventually becoming a Lieutenant . In 1968 he was assigned to a frigate off the shore of vietnam. Even though "frigate" is a really funny word, after almost a year of that Kerry was like "Fuck this shit I need to get those yellow bastards! Where do I sign to kill some motherfuckers" Luckily their was an opening on a Swift BoatTM. While serving as a skipper he managed to cut down about 20 of those commie sons of bitches. He won the Silver Star and Bronze Star which means, in layman's terms, he kicked a lot of ass. During this time he managed to get hit by either shrapnel, or nothing, depending on who you believe. After three shrapnel-related (or nothing-related) injuries, Mr. Kerry understandably was like "Fuck this 'getting shot at' shit! I'm out of here." Some of his detractors have criticized him for not actually getting killed in Vietnam. Personally, I think he made the right decision. Dying in Vietnam is not so much an "honor" as it is a fucked up waste of a life.
After Vietnam John Kerry joined an organization called Vietnam Veterans Against the War. Some have charged that Vietnam veterans are actually not allowed to be against the war, since that means they don't "Support the troops TM(all rights reserved)." Even though they actually are "the troops!" Personally I think if anyone has a right to protest the war it's "the Troops©!" Oh and the people pictured below:
After all that Vietnam bullshit was over Kerry became a prosecutor in Massachusetts. The following comes from Kerry's website.
Ok, whatever "the number two organized crime figure in New England" is probably some guy who forgot to pay his parking tickets. On the other hand, at the same point George W. Bush was doing um... nothing.
After that he was Lieutenant Governer of Massachusetts for two years blah blah blah who cares. In 1984 has was elected to his first of four senate terms. Making laws, hanging out in committee meetings, shaking important peoples hands, all that shit is cool. But you know what's even cooler? He Banged Catherine Oxenburg, Michelle Phillips, and Morgan Fairchild!
Ok I'm running long now. I am voting for Kerry because on every single issue that matters he has a better position than Bush.
Now for those of you out there that say "there's no difference between Bush and Kerry, I'm totally voting for Nader!" I have some advice. Cut the bullshit! Just go ahead and fucking vote for Bush! I don't know why you need to be so passive aggressive about it. Be a man! That shit was really adorable in 2000. I would like each of you to go to the Iraqi kids who have not only been disarmed but also dislegged. Explain to those motherfuckers how proud you are that you didn't cast your vote for Al Gore. How you "Bucked the system" how you "stuck it to those corporate fat cats". The system and it's fat cats seem to be in better shape than ever, Good job! If you are going to be responsible for a permanent neo-conservative regime, don't be a pussy about it.
I had to struggle for a while on this endorsement. I momentarily considered endorsing George W. Bush, simply because he generates more bullshit than I ever thought possible from one human being. In fact a recent study conducted by this site found Bush to be the leading cause of bullshit in the country.
I realize that by supporting John Kerry I am, in effect, casting off my primary meal ticket. I am, however, confident that no matter who wins there will be more than enough bullshit to keep me busy. I'm actually looking forward to a reduction in the amount of bullshit I have to sift through. One of the most clever tactics of the Bush administration is to lie so fast and so often that there is no time to debunk all of their shit. While I'm still working on a response to their "activist judges" and "defense of marriage" bullshit, they are firing off some bullshit about how "trial lawyers like John Edwards are the reason health care costs so much". And before i can ever start on that, someone is busy preparing some other bullshit about Russia collaborating with Syria on some unrelated bullshit. It's like trying to handle New York City's sewage needs with a bucket and some rubber gloves.
I realize that a proper endorsement requires some ass kissing toward the endorsee, so get ready and bend over Mr. Senator.
John Kerry got the party started real early. In 1966 he enlisted in the Navy and went through officer training, eventually becoming a Lieutenant . In 1968 he was assigned to a frigate off the shore of vietnam. Even though "frigate" is a really funny word, after almost a year of that Kerry was like "Fuck this shit I need to get those yellow bastards! Where do I sign to kill some motherfuckers" Luckily their was an opening on a Swift BoatTM. While serving as a skipper he managed to cut down about 20 of those commie sons of bitches. He won the Silver Star and Bronze Star which means, in layman's terms, he kicked a lot of ass. During this time he managed to get hit by either shrapnel, or nothing, depending on who you believe. After three shrapnel-related (or nothing-related) injuries, Mr. Kerry understandably was like "Fuck this 'getting shot at' shit! I'm out of here." Some of his detractors have criticized him for not actually getting killed in Vietnam. Personally, I think he made the right decision. Dying in Vietnam is not so much an "honor" as it is a fucked up waste of a life.
After Vietnam John Kerry joined an organization called Vietnam Veterans Against the War. Some have charged that Vietnam veterans are actually not allowed to be against the war, since that means they don't "Support the troops TM(all rights reserved)." Even though they actually are "the troops!" Personally I think if anyone has a right to protest the war it's "the Troops©!" Oh and the people pictured below:
After all that Vietnam bullshit was over Kerry became a prosecutor in Massachusetts. The following comes from Kerry's website.
John Kerry... went to work as a prosecutor, putting behind bars "the number two organized crime figure in New England." He fought for victims' rights and created programs for rape counseling.
Ok, whatever "the number two organized crime figure in New England" is probably some guy who forgot to pay his parking tickets. On the other hand, at the same point George W. Bush was doing um... nothing.
After that he was Lieutenant Governer of Massachusetts for two years blah blah blah who cares. In 1984 has was elected to his first of four senate terms. Making laws, hanging out in committee meetings, shaking important peoples hands, all that shit is cool. But you know what's even cooler? He Banged Catherine Oxenburg, Michelle Phillips, and Morgan Fairchild!
Ok I'm running long now. I am voting for Kerry because on every single issue that matters he has a better position than Bush.
- Kerry opposes a constitutuional Amendment to ban gay unions.
- Kerry is for federal funding on stem cell research.
- Kerry is Pro-Choice.
- Kerry will not allow his Administration or this country to be taken over by neoconservative born-again dickwads
- Kerry won't appoint energy lobbyists to the Environmental Protection Agency
- Kerry can string together complete complex sentences without mispronouncing every word or looking like he just shit his pants
- Heinz Ketchup is the greatest fucking condiment ever invented. I put that shit on everything!
- Voting for Kerry is the only way to fire all of the incompetant assholes in Bush's cabinet. If Rumsfeld accidentally nuked St. Louis tomorrow, the fucking guy would still have his job the next day. Is accountability an abstract concept?
- Kerry is a member of the Reality-Based Community. We tried a Faith-Based Administration for four years. No offense guys it was a fun experiment and all. But I think i'd like to go back to "facts" and "evidence"
Now for those of you out there that say "there's no difference between Bush and Kerry, I'm totally voting for Nader!" I have some advice. Cut the bullshit! Just go ahead and fucking vote for Bush! I don't know why you need to be so passive aggressive about it. Be a man! That shit was really adorable in 2000. I would like each of you to go to the Iraqi kids who have not only been disarmed but also dislegged. Explain to those motherfuckers how proud you are that you didn't cast your vote for Al Gore. How you "Bucked the system" how you "stuck it to those corporate fat cats". The system and it's fat cats seem to be in better shape than ever, Good job! If you are going to be responsible for a permanent neo-conservative regime, don't be a pussy about it.
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