Who Won The Civil War Anyway?

I hate the fact that we here in the North have to pander to the Yum Yums down South just to get ourselves voted into Da Government. Remember that Mason-Dixon Line? Yeah, well I do okay? Don't be creeping that thing any higher North than it is already.

I hate the fact that there's a Walmart in my old hometown. Walmart should not travel this far North. Just because the North gave y'all the concept of reading and writing doesn't mean it has to be a quid pro quo return of the favor. I miss the liberal, latte-drinking joys of Caldor and Jamesway. The Walmart-ification of my villa is sad. I believed we were better than that, that we were above it.

I like the South, I've even considered living there. But "South" isn't just a concept, it's a place on the map. Keep the "South" in the South, that's what I say. If the South is North than it ain't South, now is it? And I hate that John Kerry finishes all his sentences with "...y'all." I know that "y'all" is a word that helps to bridge the language gap between South-ese and North-ese but why, why are you making him pander like that? John Edwards was an awesome psychic on daytime TV but will be a good Vice President just because he's from the South? C'mon y'all!

And most of all I hate how war-like the South is. They love their fightin' down there.
You give 'em any excuse and they will attack your country. They can't wait to attack other countries. They love Country, but they hate countries.

I wish they succeeded when they seceded. This is OUR country and that's YOUR country. You go bomb whoever you want, we'll hang out with Canada popping cheap prescription drugs. Of all the wars the South had to go and lose, why did they have to lose the Civil War too? We demand a rematch!

Why does Bush get away with fucking with Massachusetts?

I find it odd that President Bush, who is supposed to represent all 50 states is able to shit on the Northeast with impunity. During the debates Bush said things like:

• "As a matter of fact, your record is such that Ted Kennedy, your colleague,
  is the conservative senator from Massachusetts"
  
• "Only a liberal senator from Massachusetts would say that a 49-percent increase in funding for education was not enough"
  
• "He talks about PAYGO. I'll tell you what PAYGO means, when you're a senator from Massachusetts, when you're a colleague of Ted Kennedy, pay go means: You pay, and he goes ahead and spends."
  
• "that's about what I'd expect to hear from a pinko hippie from Taxachusetts"
  
• "Well of course he wants to let homos rape your children and convert them to Islam, I mean after all he is from Fagga-Jew-shits."
  

Ok, I might have exaggerated on those last two. But the implication is obvious, anyone from Massachusetts is automatically some hippie radical. That's cool, in the last year I've heard officially sanctioned shit talk from republicans on New York, Vermont and especially California and Massachusetts. Nice, that's only about 20% of the country you assholes are alienating. And we wonder why this country is so divided? I haven't heard the Democrats insult the entire South and Midwest, but then again those pussies are always at least one step behind when it come to WWF style tough talk bullshit. I'm sure it's just a matter of time. Look, politicians are assholes, there's no getting around that, but what we can do is tell them to go fuck themselves when they attempt to incite a civil war.

Battleground States: Now with Battleground Action!

Who the hell thought up the term "battleground state"? Is that a new Saturday morning cartoon? Where can I get the new Ohio action figure? Does it come with body armour or what? Can I collect all of them? Which one comes with dino buddy-Condoleezza Rice?

The Democrats (while pimping out Clinton) are criticizing "Condi from the block" for campaigning for her boss in these battleriffic thunderstates. According to Reuters, "Democratic vice presidential candidate John Edwards on Thursday accused top Bush officials of neglecting their duties by making political trips instead of dealing with pressing issues at home."

I disagree. I think top Bush officials neglected their duties by allowing the country to lapse into a recession, giving away all of our jobs, making us look like jerks to the rest of the free world, allowing the waters to become so polluted that in six months all babies will be born with pure Mercury for blood, allowing two buildings full of heroes to die, breeding thousands of future terrorists, killing a lot of troops and civilians, allowing for the dissolution of the democratic process, revoking our right to privacy and free speech, appointing religious fanatics to positions of tremendous power, throwing piles and piles of taxpayer money at large corporations like Halliburton, making a profit off the loss of American lives, invoking the almighty to win votes, behaving like a dictator, lying, stealing, shitting on the ghost of Christopher Reeve, scaring the pants off of millions of citizens, and still thinking they are the best people for the job of protecting and bettering the American people.

Dr. Rice is doing much less harm campaigning in the thunderdome battlestates than she has done as national security adviser. You go girl!

If I Was A Soldier I Would Be Afraid Of Dissenting Opinion AND Roadside Bombs

Don't worry about your opinion leading to the demoralization of the "troops." They're too busy fighting Iraqis to to be immoral- I mean- demoralized by a difference of opinion. Actions speak louder than words, but bombs and bullets are WAY louder than words.

I guess people in the "Vietnam-era" era used to say bad things about the "troops" and it made them not fight as well? Kinda like when you want to be a songwriter and your girlfriend dogs you for not "making it" quick enough to support her. That steady stream of criticism can take it's toll on the morale of any songwriter/conquistador.

And so I guess that's the worry today. Under the guise of being a democracy, people voice their opinion with the idea that they'd want the war to stop. They don't want it to go badly, they don't want it to happen at all. But if the "people in charge" say Shut Up So We Can Fight The War Better that goes completely counter to the people who want it to stop. In a democracy, if 51% of the people want something to stop it ought to stop.

It strikes me funny when the people "in charge" worry for the troops. You know what would demoralize me? Bullets and roadside bombs. That shit would demoralize me faster than Mike Tyson tearing through an ear sandwich. Of course I care about what people think of me and I wouldn't want them to think badly of me, but in that moment I would be more focused on the more pressing matter at hand.

You know what I say? Stop saying the boys in camoflauge are being demoralized by bad words. You make them sound like a bunch of sissies. As if picking on a country the size of Palestine wasn't sissy enough, now you're saying that name calling is hurting their feelings. Hey "the troops," Washington DC says you're a bunch of sissies.

I don't know why or if this needs to be said, but if you'd like the war to end a) you're a little too late and b) speak out loud and strong. The US military is the most fearsome fighting force ever assembled. They can take it. They're powerful. Don't fall for their propaganda, sock it to 'em. If ever there was somebody you could disagree with vigorously it's them, don't worry.

The War On Terror Is Stupid, And So Is A Lot Of Stuff In My Life

The War On Terror is stupid and I've grown fatigued by it. I wish it to stop. It bores me and it's a distraction from what's really important: me. It is interferring with me going about my day, as if I needed any more distractions.

Cigarettes killed upwards of 300,000 people in a year. Cars kill a bunch of people. Pedestrian accidents, ninjas, cancer from industrial and corporate pollution, stress from bad marriages, AIDS crack Bernie Goetz, all this stuff kill a lot of people. If there is a correlation between American loss of life and chit chat around the water cooler, I would say terrorism is still a distant 7th place. And to me Great White Sharks cause a lot of terror. You could say I'm terror-fied of sharks. Where's Jim Lehrer on this one?

I'm a big fan of people thinking before they talk. Not in a way that makes them hold their tongue, just in a way that makes them sound smarter when they talk. Such as, when one news broadcast starts calling people who defend their city "Insurgents," the other news agencies should automatically NOT use that word. The word starts losing it's definition otherwise. Find other names for them. Think first. Find your own word. Repetition clouds up the conversation at a time when speech is supposed to clarify.

We talk about Weapons of Mass Destruction a lot. But what about "Weapons That Kill One At A Time"? Ain't they a problem too? Whether I get killed solo or in the company of 70,000 of my closest neighbors, I feel it to be problematic no matter what. I feel like the repetition in the news and amongst my peers is making me more numb. Or as Franky Pelvis has said "the more I learn the dumber I get." Verbal abbreviations usually are an indication of mental abbreviations. If you verbalize things like "best war ever" or America needs a regime change" or "the troops are a hero" then it means your thought process has simultaneously gotten more efficient.

I would hate to die at the hands of a dummy or someone who insists on using cliche or worn out phraseology. If my murderer ever insists that he "brought his A game" or that he "did what he had to do" I would be doubly unhappy.

Ha the Yankees lost. I guess all Yankee fans need to kill themselves.

I'll admit it, I don't get sports fans. I was in a bar the other night attempting to have a drink. Unfortunately the Bartender and most of the drunk assholes were glued to the television, screaming about some bullshit. I think it hilarious to see grown men and women almost in tears because "their team" lost. Here's a clue asswipes, it's not "your team", it's owned by some corporation called YankeeNets. Unless you bet money on the game, or are on the board of directors for YankeeNets, you don't actually win or lose the game. No matter who wins, you lose. Loser.

Red Sox fans are also full of shit. They are now talking about how this victory could be the end of "The Red Sox Curse". A Curse? A Fucking Curse? Oh excuse me, I didn't realize it was 1358AD. This isn't Dungeons and Dragons, your team has been shitty for a long time, and now they are better. My guess is that they practiced a lot or whatever, they didn't get a magical Rune Stone from a Warlock or anything.

You know who I don't like? George Bush!

For my inaugural post I'd like to point out this quote from confirmed dickface Pat Robertson. He recalls a conversation with fellow dickface George W. Bush before the invasion of Iraq.

Pat Robertson, an ardent Bush supporter, said he had that conversation with the president in Nashville, Tennessee, before the March 2003 invasion U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. He described Bush in the meeting as "the most self-assured man I've ever met in my life."

"You remember Mark Twain said, 'He looks like a contented Christian with four aces.' I mean he was just sitting there like, 'I'm on top of the world,' " Robertson said on the CNN show, "Paula Zahn Now."

"And I warned him about this war. I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, 'Mr. President, you had better prepare the American people for casualties.' "

Robertson said the president then told him, "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties."

Awesome prediction, you useless cocksucker. Personally i think "war" is such an ugly word for it, I prefer "magical carnival of freedom".