To Whomever's Trying To Teach Us A Valuable Lesson, We Get It Already!

Okay I get it. We were a shallow bunch of losers. We cared about Julia Roberts, we majored in business, we saw "Titanic" 14 times, we were convinced we'd make a million dollars via stock options at our dot calm company.

So somebody had to put us back on the right track. Now we're concerned about politics, now we do volunteer work, now we "get out the vote." Green Day writes about politics, as does Lenny Kravitz, the Beastie Boys, and Bonnie Raitt (!!!!!!). We can name lots of small countries. We're all up and up on the New York Times Online. We read the shit out of that shit. Even Brooks and Dunn have taken a stand on what direction our country should go. (Can you believe we live in the same country as Brooks And Dunn?) We're all into that shit!

I've figured it out. It's just like the end of that movie "Unbreakable" from M Night Shamalamadingdong with Bruce Willis and Samuel L Jackson. We were apathetic and pathetic and now we're all heroes. And we believe in heroes again. It may have taken the death of a lot of people but the rest of us who are still alive are now of a higher caliber. There's less of us, but there's better "us' around now. We know who the 14th President is. We like Radiohead for their 'message." Everybody's gonna vote on Tuesday. Michael Moore isn't a starving artist anymore, now even close.

There's a lot of turmoil on the planet, but at least now we KNOW about it. Maybe somebody's causing it, not for bad reasons but for good. It's not oil we're after, it's hope! Blood for oil? Hell no! But blood for hope? That doesn't sound so bad now does it? Maybe Samuel L. is getting his freak on within the Global Theater to bring out the hero in us. Not the Globe Theatre, that's Shakespeare, but the Global Theater. Everybody's so down on war, but these have been some of the best civics lessons we done ever got. Right?

How I learned to start worrying and hate everyone

I'm sick of people who say "I don't like either candidate, I don't know who I'm going to vote for." These two motherfuckers don't share a single opinion. Besides the fact that they are both rich and both white, you have a very clear choice. A lot of people are saying oh "but [Candidate] doesn't have a strong enough position on [Pet Issue]." Then don't vote for him. Or vote for a third party candidate. Or write in "What's His Name From TV". Or kill yourself. Or move to Canada. Who gives a fuck? Your external internal dialogue is not cute anymore.

P.Diddy has a campaign called "Vote or Die". Mine is called "Vote or Don't Vote, But Make Up Your Fucking Mind and Shut Up." Unlike P.Diddy, I can't really threaten people with death. All I'm saying is even choosing to do nothing is a choice. After speaking to some horribly ill-informed voters last night, it became clear to me that even if it benefits the candidate I like, some of these motherfuckers should not be near a voting booth. I spoke to a girl who said "I'm voting for Kerry, but he sucks, I'd rather vote for That Guy From The Daily Show." She could neither explain why Kerry "sucks", nor did she know Jon Stewart's name. Honestly, if you feel so strongly about it, look it up on the internet, and write him in. Do I need to solve everyone's problems? Apparently. So, I'll be writing up an endorsement for my chosen candidate in a final push to decid-ify those motherfuckers. Stay Tuned!

How do you say "My Bad" in Arabic?

Bush has finally responded to the charges that he fucked up and somehow allowed 380 tons of explosives to slip into the hands of terrorists. Oh wait did I say "hands" I meant to say "slip into the FUCKING FLEET OF DUMP TRUCKS of terrorists." I'm still trying to sort that number out in my mind. I looked up the heaviest shit I could think of on the internet. A blue whale weighs between 90 and 150 tons. a Boeing 767 weighs about 200 tons. So if you imagine a really big whale surfing on a jumbo jet you'll get the idea of how much explosive shit we are talking about. In fact I'd be plenty freaked out by plane surfing whale that DOESN'T explode.

So lets look at what our president had to say:

"After repeatedly calling Iraq the wrong war, and a diversion, Senator Kerry this week seemed shocked to learn that Iraq is a dangerous place, full of dangerous weapons..."

Actually Mr. President, I think the Senator was more surprised at the fact that said weapons were left unguarded for homicidal terrorist assholes to grab at a leasurely pace. But now I'm nit-picking. You say to-may-to, I say to-mat-o

"If Senator Kerry had his way... Saddam Hussein would still be in power. He would control those all of those weapons and explosives and could share them with his terrorist friends. Now the senator is making wild charges about missing explosives, when his top foreign policy adviser admits, quote, 'We do not know the facts.' Think about that: The senator is denigrating the actions of our troops and commanders in the field without knowing the facts..."

Ok, now the Senator is denigrating our troops and commanders? I looked up denigrate to make sure I had this straight. It means "To attack the character or reputation of; speak ill of; defame." I can't think of a more effective attack on my character than a megaton of high powered explosives. That shit would more than attack my character, it would fucking vaporize it. And I'm not so sure that having Saddam in control of those weapons is such a bad thing. When that motherfucker was in control, nobody touched that shit, those explosives sat in a giant bunker for a decade. And we are worried that he might share them to his "terrorist friends"? Were we so worried that we figured it'd be a better idea to beat him to the punch? I guess you really punk'd him, dogg.

"Our military is now investigating a number of possible scenarios, including that the explosives may have been moved before our troops even arrived at the site. This investigation is important and it's ongoing. And a political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as your commander in chief."

Yeah god forbid we have the kind of President who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts. That kind of president might miss important details, like the proven connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda, or the massive stockpile of Nuclear Weapons in Iraq, or the warm welcome of flowers and sweets awaiting our soldiers. Man that would be a disaster.

If You Don't read The Newspaper For A Couple Of Days You Can Feel The Brain Cells Returning To Life

Gosh my bullshit detector is almost at null. I had the weekend away from the news and I had Monday off. I feel like myself again. I don't feel afraid of terrorists, I don't feel fat, I have no idea what Paris Hilton is up to. Even moreso, my sense of what is important has returned to me. Paris Hilton is in small print, the loss of 380 tons of explosives is in bold face.

I have nothing to critique here. Nobody called anybody a hero in the past three days. My sense that killing people is wrong, even if they're brown and live far away, is still here. My intuition that our current President is unqualified is intact. (Perhaps that's the greatest bullshit going these days. In spite of the visceral knowledge that he's a mess there's people out there who would try and tell you otherwise. Bullshit!) So for now my detection skillz are waning.

I'm sure the next week will provide more bullshit than women have Louis Vuitton bags. Perhaps I should save my energy. Ashlee Simpson can sing, 380 tons of missing explosives really isn't any worse than 120 tons of missing explosives, George Bush is good for America. You'll see.

I was dropping Ecstasy at the Burning Man Festival, and I ran into some Activist Judges

What the fuck is an "Activist Judge?" I've been before more than a few judges in my life and I've never run into one I could describe as an Activist. No Judge has ever come to the bench in a tye-dye robe and sentenced me to 3 bong hits. When I had my license taken away the Judge didn't helpfully suggest that I should listen to some Zappa albums or read an Abbie Hoffman book.

Since you are unlikely to meet any member of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals at a Bob Weir concert, what does the President Bush mean by that? Apparently an "activist judge" in Bushese is "a judge who doesn't hate faggots." Here is the president's official statement:

The sacred institution of marriage should not be redefined by a few activist judges. Obviously hot, steamy, and near-insatiable man lust is contagious to church-going christians. Traditional Missionary-style Procreation-based intercourse is the only defense from the superior fasion and interior decorating talents of the homosexual community. All Americans have a right to be heard in this debate(except fags). I called on the Congress to pass, and to send to the states for ratification, an amendment to our Constitution defining and protecting marriage as a union of a man and a woman, not two moustached oily queers who met at a bar called "the Manhole".

However I will give the president full credit on his commitment to not reinstate the Dred Scott decision. Way to sock it to those Activist Judges of the 1850's!