"Born Again" - To Compensate For All The Babies That Didn't Get Born The First Time

I woke up Tuesday with one enemy and I went to bed with 58 million of them. I can't believe it. I mean I can now. I believe! I have faith in the complete backwardness of 58 million of my soon-to-be former countrymen.

I want a divorce. I divorce you I divorce you I divorce you. Nobody has to change their minds, nobody has to compromise, nobody has to pretend to drink lattes OR pretend to use "y'all" in their speech anymore. Y'all bomb who you want to bomb, the rest of us will stay here and work on scientific experiments, produce works of art and read.

I'm tired of us here in the coasts being like Jesus, getting blamed for someone else's sins. Y'all have been fuckin' up the world for a while now and we ain't taking credit for it anymore.

Nobody's moving to Canada or the UK, we're staying right here. We'll have our country and y'all can have yours. 58 million people want more destruction, more murder, more trouble. I thought Bush was a lone gunman, but 58 million deputies just arrived to get his back.

I like Jesus, but Christians are actin' real dumb. Why would any Christian vote for a guy who a-killin' 100,000 civilians in a far away country? Maybe Jesus is too much of a fag with his "turn the other cheek" and "love thy neighbor" type commandments for y'all but I never thought y'all would fall for Bush's BS. I understand "Christians" are afraid of popular culture becuse of it's glorification of violence, but how much more violent can you get than the culture they done re-elected?

This marriage is over. Y'all stay on your side of the new border, we'll stay on ours. Maybe we can do some hate-fuckin' once in a while like all Ex's do from time to time but that's all you get. I can feel my brain cells regenerating already. Imma go and use some big words right about now...

Oops we did it again.

Ok, America I was really understanding about this the first time. I figured a bunch of us just got drunk in 2000 and voted for George Bush as a goof. I imagined some people woke up the next morning with a hangover and were like "He fucking won?". I thought it might be the elusive proof to the "drunk white guy" theorum proposed by Eddie Murphy in Delirious. No such luck, we did it again. I don't mean to insult the president, or suggest he's not qualified to hold any office. If he were up for County Dog Catcher, I would cast a vote for him without hesitation. But come on, This is President of the United States of America. For god's sake this is the same job that Franklin Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln had. Also: Chester A. Arthur. You don't just give this job to whomever happens to be hanging out on Main Street at 7am when the Presidentin' truck rolls by.

Now, I'm already beginning to see people second guess John Kerry. Some say "Kerry should never have said he didn't hate fags, that cost him the election", or "Kerry should have had Teresa's tongue cut out, can't let women be all speaking and shit" or "Whaaaaaa! Whaaaaa! I'm a baby I'm moving to Canada! Whaaaaaaaa! Whaaaaaa!". Jesus Christ what a bunch of fucking pussies. Democrats mobilized like never before, and got the vote the fuck out. 10 million More people voted for Kerry than ever voted for Clinton. Kerry even got more votes than Reagan did in 1984. Ok, so there's a minor snag, George W. Bush got even more votes than that. That sucks, but recall that Bush had a 90% approval rating after 9/11. Now he has a 48% GET THE FUCK OUT rating. And we are in the middle of like 6 wars or something.

We got served. It happens. It's not the "End of the Democratic Party" nor is it the "End of America". We've had some horrible presidents. George Washington kept over 300 slaves. Andrew Jackson would bathe in the blood of Native American babies to preserve his black heart. Having a complete fucking asshole run the country is nothing new. The last thing anyone should be considering is pandering to a bunch of bible thumping lunatics with anti-gay or anti abortion rhetoric in order to win in 2008. The idea is to reduce the bullshit people, not to become a part of it.

Hey Christians: Have Fun in Heaven, and Don't Let This Mortal Coil Hit You In The Ass On Your Way Out.

You know how you're always going on about this alleged "judgement day" and how when the rapture comes, you'll all ascend into heaven, leaving the rest of us here to deal with an eternity without you?

Okay.

Seriously, I can't wait to see you go. If Heaven is your right, and this hellish barren wasteland is mine, then in the words of my ancestors, "Git offa my proppity!"

No, no - I heard you. I GOT IT. Fire, brimstone, eternal pain, et cetera. Whatever. I'm not on your side. Stop trying to convice me to come along. I'm staying.

Let's end this little contest and be done with it. I can't imagine a Hell worse than hanging out with you.

It's Your Cousin, Marvin Diddy. You Know That Killin' You Were Talkin' About?

Some people have a lot of dying to do. I guess the choice between voting and dying was a tough one. But it's pretty obvious which way alot of those 18 to 29 year olds went.

Well there you have it, the People have spoken. They want us some killin', they want us some shitty wars on top of shittily executed wars on top of all that nonsense. I guess 380 tons of explosives wasn't enough, maybe if 390 tons were missing people would see what a mess we've made.

I guess the People have spoken. You can blame George Bush for the first term, I guess we got him a buy back. I guess he's doing the will of the People. Instead of the village idiot, I guess we have an idiot village now. Thanks alot, y'all.

I Second that Emotion. (Aka "I got Your Back")

In the last article you read Brian's theory that just because Bush says he's a Christian, don't mean you gotta believe it. Well, believe it. (Brian's theory, that is.) I mean, of COURSE Bush says he's a Christian; if he were running for office in Iraq he'd be praising Allah like a motherfucker.

I mean, how can someone who makes millions of dollars from fossil fuels say that "the jury's still out" on evolution? How can someone be Pro-Life, Pro-Guns, AND Pro-Death Penalty? It seems unpossible. I mean, I'm not a scholar like Bible Bushy, but I can't remember anyone giving Jesus a nickname like the "Texecutioner". Jesus and God were all like, "thou shall not kill", "thou shall not steal", "thou shall not systematically fuck a country and appoint yourself king."

I'm pretty sure that was in there, right around the book of Noah.

And is it any coincidence that he switched (read: flip-flopped) from one white bread/mayonnaise version of Christianity to another, until he found the one with the most voters?

And by the way, those of you saying, "I'm voting for Bush because he's a Christian!" I have a couple of words for you: I'm not positive, but last time I checked, CATHOLICISM WAS ALSO A PART OF CHRISTIANITY. JOHN KERRY = A CHRISTIAN. AT LEAST HAVE A REASONABLE ARGUMENT, YOU DICK-SNIFFING FUCK-HOLES!!!!!!

Ahem. Pardon me.

Bush tries. He works so hard (it's hard work!). He says things are going well in Iraq even though they are so obviously not. He says he created a bunch of jobs when we all know they don't exist. He says he's all about education, and then he failed to fund his education programs, and isn't exactly the poster child for an educated gentleman. But people believe him. They eat that shit up. Hell, four years ago he said he was President and look what happened. Everybody up and agreed with him.

I can't wait until that President Kerry gets elected. I'm going to sign up for all the government-subsidied abortions I can get my liberal, nonbeliever hands on. Yeeeeeeeee Haaaawwwwwww!!!!

Just 'Cause Dubya Says He's A Christian, It Doesn't Mean He Is

Maybe this is bad timing. Maybe within two days he'll be voted out of office and talking about George Bush will be as "dated" as that hot slut back in 8th grade that gave out handjobs to everyone out in the woods, but I gotta take a chance. This could be my last chance to write about GW, so I don't want to miss it.

What's the deal with everybody thinking George Bush is a christian? On the "pro" side, people are all like "Oh look at Dubya, he's such a man of faith, he so courageous in his religious beliefs. He's so faith-based." On the "con" side everybody's like "yo, fuck christianity. Religion is the reason we done have all these wars. Look at George Bush. He's a christian and he's killing all them A-rabs. I ain't never gonna be a christian ever again."

Here's what I say: fuck that noise. It seems people think he's a christian because he says he's a christian. He's a man of faith because he says he's a man of faith. Oh he must be a christian, his wife is a cookie-cutter Cookie Cutter.

Well here's what I say, bitches. I'm an Civil Engineer. Whoo! Whoo! Yeah, I build buildings and bridges and I drive that Amtrak up and down the east coast. Watch me build the fuck out of this airplane I've been designing. I said it, so I must really do it. Oh wait, I just changed my mind. I'm a physicist. I do physicism. Feel it! Feel it!

My point is, just because somebody says they're something it doesn't mean they ARE something. You can't go killing 100,000 Iraqi civilians and still be down with the Jesus. You can't see things in a certain way, aka Jesus, and go around killing 100,000 Iraqis all the while lying about it. Come on y'all. If you're down with Christianity I don't think you'd want GWB on your shortlist of awesome Christians. And to the people who hate christianity, y'all can hate christianity but all I ask is be smart. Don't be so so hateful that you use Dubya, et al as an excuse to get your hate on. People don't go to war because of religion, they go to war because they're powermongers, haterful, screwed-up, and all things a part of human nature.

Oh, I'm late for my train...

HOLY SHIT! OMFG!!! EXCLUSIVE!!!! FRANKY ENDORSES KERRY!! MUST CREDIT DRUDGE!!

Fuck It! Vote John Kerry.
I had to struggle for a while on this endorsement. I momentarily considered endorsing George W. Bush, simply because he generates more bullshit than I ever thought possible from one human being. In fact a recent study conducted by this site found Bush to be the leading cause of bullshit in the country.





I realize that by supporting John Kerry I am, in effect, casting off my primary meal ticket. I am, however, confident that no matter who wins there will be more than enough bullshit to keep me busy. I'm actually looking forward to a reduction in the amount of bullshit I have to sift through. One of the most clever tactics of the Bush administration is to lie so fast and so often that there is no time to debunk all of their shit. While I'm still working on a response to their "activist judges" and "defense of marriage" bullshit, they are firing off some bullshit about how "trial lawyers like John Edwards are the reason health care costs so much". And before i can ever start on that, someone is busy preparing some other bullshit about Russia collaborating with Syria on some unrelated bullshit. It's like trying to handle New York City's sewage needs with a bucket and some rubber gloves.

I realize that a proper endorsement requires some ass kissing toward the endorsee, so get ready and bend over Mr. Senator.

John Kerry got the party started real early. In 1966 he enlisted in the Navy and went through officer training, eventually becoming a Lieutenant . In 1968 he was assigned to a frigate off the shore of vietnam. Even though "frigate" is a really funny word, after almost a year of that Kerry was like "Fuck this shit I need to get those yellow bastards! Where do I sign to kill some motherfuckers" Luckily their was an opening on a Swift Boat^TM. While serving as a skipper he managed to cut down about 20 of those commie sons of bitches. He won the Silver Star and Bronze Star which means, in layman's terms, he kicked a lot of ass. During this time he managed to get hit by either shrapnel, or nothing, depending on who you believe. After three shrapnel-related (or nothing-related) injuries, Mr. Kerry understandably was like "Fuck this 'getting shot at' shit! I'm out of here." Some of his detractors have criticized him for not actually getting killed in Vietnam. Personally, I think he made the right decision. Dying in Vietnam is not so much an "honor" as it is a fucked up waste of a life.

After Vietnam John Kerry joined an organization called Vietnam Veterans Against the War. Some have charged that Vietnam veterans are actually not allowed to be against the war, since that means they don't "Support the troops ^TM(all rights reserved)." Even though they actually are "the troops!" Personally I think if anyone has a right to protest the war it's "the Troops©!" Oh and the people pictured below:



After all that Vietnam bullshit was over Kerry became a prosecutor in Massachusetts. The following comes from Kerry's website.

John Kerry... went to work as a prosecutor, putting behind bars "the number two organized crime figure in New England." He fought for victims' rights and created programs for rape counseling.

Ok, whatever "the number two organized crime figure in New England" is probably some guy who forgot to pay his parking tickets. On the other hand, at the same point George W. Bush was doing um... nothing.

After that he was Lieutenant Governer of Massachusetts for two years blah blah blah who cares. In 1984 has was elected to his first of four senate terms. Making laws, hanging out in committee meetings, shaking important peoples hands, all that shit is cool. But you know what's even cooler? He Banged Catherine Oxenburg, Michelle Phillips, and Morgan Fairchild!




Ok I'm running long now. I am voting for Kerry because on every single issue that matters he has a better position than Bush.

• Kerry opposes a constitutuional Amendment to ban gay unions.


• Kerry is for federal funding on stem cell research.


• Kerry is Pro-Choice.


• Kerry will not allow his Administration or this country to be taken over by neoconservative born-again dickwads


• Kerry won't appoint energy lobbyists to the Environmental Protection Agency


• Kerry can string together complete complex sentences without mispronouncing every word or looking like he just shit his pants


• Heinz Ketchup is the greatest fucking condiment ever invented. I put that shit on everything!


• Voting for Kerry is the only way to fire all of the incompetant assholes in Bush's cabinet. If Rumsfeld accidentally nuked St. Louis tomorrow, the fucking guy would still have his job the next day. Is accountability an abstract concept?


• Kerry is a member of the Reality-Based Community. We tried a Faith-Based Administration for four years. No offense guys it was a fun experiment and all. But I think i'd like to go back to "facts" and "evidence"

Now for those of you out there that say "there's no difference between Bush and Kerry, I'm totally voting for Nader!" I have some advice. Cut the bullshit! Just go ahead and fucking vote for Bush! I don't know why you need to be so passive aggressive about it. Be a man! That shit was really adorable in 2000. I would like each of you to go to the Iraqi kids who have not only been disarmed but also dislegged. Explain to those motherfuckers how proud you are that you didn't cast your vote for Al Gore. How you "Bucked the system" how you "stuck it to those corporate fat cats". The system and it's fat cats seem to be in better shape than ever, Good job! If you are going to be responsible for a permanent neo-conservative regime, don't be a pussy about it.