SCOTT PETERSON FOUND GUILTY: WORLD IS LIKE "DUH!"

Is there anyone who didn't see this coming? I've been trying not to follow this case for months. Unfortunately I happen to watch "news" programs on television. For some reason Fox, CNN, MSNBC and friends have been falling all over themselves to cover every conceivable detail of this case. No bit of minutiae was too small to be examined and reexamined by the likes of Greta van Sustern, Larry King, and Dan Abrams. I swear at some point Greta interviewed a guy just because he once used Scott Peterson's brand of Fertilizer.

The problem with 24 hour coverage of this case is twofold:

1. Scott Peterson is nobody: I sort of understood the OJ Simpson trial. The media circus surrounding it was completely out of hand but at least I could see why there was interest. OJ was one of the greatest athletes of our time. He was a well known sports figure, Naked Gun star and role model. Scott Peterson sold animal crap for a living.
2. There is absolutely no chance that he didn't do it.

I'm sure that Laci Peterson was a lovely person. In fact as a pregnant married substitute teacher, Laci was similar to a condor in that her species has no natural enemies. She didn't engage in any especially dangerous activities such as drug dealing, witchcraft or jogging. If a married pregnant woman is found dead chances are that her lying cheating husband with an alibi that is quite literally fishy, is the culprit. This woman did not hang around Pirates, Communists, the Trenchcoat Mafia, Vampires or any other dangerous characters that might have a murderous motive.




There should not have even been a trial. I can't believe the Jury deliberated for 36 hours or whatever it was. Hell if I was a jurist in that trial I would take one look at the defendant and say "Your honor there is no reason to waste the states money. Send this guy to the chair and lets get a beer."

To Fuck the South or Not to Fuck the South: that is the Question.

Yes I've seen Fuck the South, And my initial reaction was "Yeah Fuck those Mother Fuckers!" However there are two sides to every smoking pile of bullshit. And Matt Tobey says Fuck Fuck the South. Now what do I do? Do I say Fuck Fuck Fuck the South? I'm completely confused. Anyway, Matt makes a great argument against giving a knee jerk fucking to any particular million square mile block of the nation.

[I]n the wake of John Kerry's defeat, Democrats are filled with foolishness and venom, scapegoating half of the country based on an arbitrary color code and greedily pointing out tax disparities. If the yahoo pundits who say the Democrats need to act more like Republicans to win end up being right, we're off to a bang-up start. Either way, you're breeding the kind of divisiveness that gives guys like Karl Rove a twenty-foot boner. Nice work, assholes.

Anyway, before you start RedStatersEatPoop.org or fire up Photoshop to work on your map of The Blue State Republic of Awesometopia, keep some of these facts in mind:

More Texans voted for John Kerry than Vermontians, Rhode Islanders, New Hampshiretons, Maineacs, Hawaiians and Delawaraholics combined.

Meanwhile, more votes were cast for Bush in California than in any other state, save Texas

I agree and disagree. On one hand, %40 of New York can't get enough of that monkey-looking motherfucker. In fact the piece of shit Upstate New York town I come from voted overwhelmingly for Bush. I seriously doubt the meatheads in my hometown have any desire to saw off the Northeast from the rest of the Nation. I can't imagine they'll man the oars so we can sail over to France and go to Mime College or whatever the fuck French people do. That's the other thing. I don't really have a hard-on for any non-America countries. I mean, Canada? Sorry guys. I prefer countries with an average temperature above freezing, and I got over having British royalty on my money about 228 years ago. I don't need to see the Queen every time I buy a cup of coffee. Also, fuck the metric system.

However, I reject the notion that it's not valid to hate most of America. Disliking people for no good reason is the American way. In fact, I feel no overwhelming love for most Democrats, most New Yorkers, most white people, most black people, most AIDS victims, most Israelis or honestly, any Palestinians. None of those motherfuckers sent me a birthday card this year. I can't recall the last time an Afghani peasant helped me change a flat tire. I'm not ready to cheer for someone because they voted for John Kerry. Martin Luther King Jr, and Dr. Jonas Salk were two pretty cool guys that I like a lot. One of them found a cure for polio, and the other fought for equality for all mankind. Suffice it to say, they got a lot of shit done. Neither of them pulled a lever every four years and expected a big hug afterwards.

Racist pals call in some favors!

Here's a letter to president Bush from the President of Bob Jones University. If anyone is unfamiliar with Bob Jones University, it's a bible-thumping shithole full of hypocritical hyper-religious assholes that forbid their students from dating outside their race(doing so is grounds for expulsion). The University has publicly called the Pope the Anti-Christ. The Pope might be a confused old man in a ridiculous hat, and it may take him and several of his countrymen to properly screw in a lightbulb, but "Anti-Christ" is going a bit far.

The general gist of the letter is "You owe us, motherfucker!" And before anyone says "LOL! U CAN'T BLAME HIM 4 WHO WRITES HIM LETERRS!!!" Actually, I can. During the 2000 election Bush spoke in front of the University, fully aware of their racist rhetoric and policies. Normally I would go through a letter like this and translate it to non-bullshit where necessary. But remarkably, for all of Bob Jones' faults, he's really not a bullshitter. I'm gonna cut out some of the boring shit out because Bob Jones generally isn't funny, and I am. You can read the whole crazy thing here

In your re-election, God has graciously granted America—though she doesn't deserve it—a reprieve from the agenda of paganism. You have been given a mandate. We the people expect your voice to be like the clear and certain sound of a trumpet. Because you seek the Lord daily, we who know the Lord will follow that kind of voice eagerly.

Don't equivocate. Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ. Honor the Lord, and He will honor you.

...

It is easy to rejoice today, because Christ has allowed you to be His servant in this nation for another presidential term. Undoubtedly, you will have opportunity to appoint many conservative judges and exercise forceful leadership with the Congress in passing legislation that is defined by biblical norm regarding the family, sexuality, sanctity of life, religious freedom, freedom of speech, and limited government. You have four years—a brief time only—to leave an imprint for righteousness upon this nation that brings with it the blessings of Almighty God.

Have you vomited on your computer yet? Don't delude yourself into thinking there is a "moderate" wing to the Republican party. Crazy sons of bitches like this are holding all the cards right now, and they are already cashing in their chips. If you prefer a sexual metaphor, they let the president stick it in them for four years, and now it's time for a reach around!

EXIT MCGREEVEY, STILL IN DENIAL - This Article Has Been Scanned For Bullshit

I was on the subway this morning, you know the one "terra-rists" are more likely to attack than anywhere involving a park full of trailers or a Wal-mart, and I saw the headline on a newspaper being read by someone more likely to be attacked by a Terror of Mass Terror. The headline read: "EXIT MCGREEVEY, STILL IN DENIAL" and it occured to me, bullshit was in full swing. I don't mean to use the word "swing" whilst talking about a gay governor, it just seemed to fit. Can I say "fit"? Damnit, damnit!

Anyway that one headline got my detector detecting. Now work with me a little here. The article was calling McGreevey on his bullshit, but I'm calling the article on IT'S bullshit. Oh yeah, that's how we roll around here. We double you up on your bullshit and raise you some bullshit!

Jim McGreevey verbalizes that he's leaving office because he likes men. REALLY likes men. More than he likes his wife. But the astute reporters ready to cut through the spin say "funk that!" and say the real reason he's leaving office is because of the scandal of hiring an unqualified, but allegedly hot, foreign-type dude to run some stuff in Jersey. He's not out for "going in through the out door," he's out for breeching some security and nepotism scandals.

Well I here to stop the poop from getting too far gone. To claim that McGreevey is in denial is to add a new layer of BS to the prior round of BS. Here's what I say: Midshipman McGreevey isn't in denial, he's cutting a shrewd political game. His game is BS. To say that he's in denial is to say that he's unaware of what he's doing. To say he is in denial is to reaffirm the business of BS in politics. In a way the article is saying that McGreevey is bullshitting himself. But to say that is only to affirm/reaffirm the political process of lying. The illusion is continued, not shattered.

The former governor is NOT in denial and to say he is in denial is actually a lie. Maybe writing an editorial as such isn't as big a crime as killing civilians where they sleep, but what is? My point here is a small one in the grand scheme of things perhaps, so to compensate, here's a photo of a different governor:


My point is, look out! The more you try to learn about stuff, via the newspaper etc, the more you get further from what is "true." As the Pelvis says, "the more I learn the dumber I get."

Q: What do you call a Bush supporter with a bat-shaped dent in his skull? A: A Start!

Here's a great story from Drudge. Hmm, is that oxy-moronic? Anyway considering the source it's probably a complete fabrication, but let's look at it anyway.

Apparently some Pro-Kerry high school students beat some Bush supporters with a bat.

Three high school students face charges for using a bat to beat another student who taunted them about being John Kerry supporters days after the contentious election.

The 17-year-old Apple Valley victim was assaulted Thursday in a Minnesota Zoo parking lot near Apple Valley's School of Environmental Studies, better known as the zoo school. Chad McKay, also 17, stood over the victim attempting to protect him.

"It's a good thing to see young people interested and excited about politics," said Dakota County Attorney James Backstrom. "It's obviously very disturbing to see this kind of violence over it."

The SAINT PAUL PIONEER PRESS reported in morning editions: The argument began earlier in the day Thursday with a discussion about candidates the minors had supported for president, Backstrom said. The two victims supported President Bush.

"We were sitting in the computer room at school, and there was kind of a political debate," said Chad McKay of Arden Hills. "Some people said only gay people vote for Bush." Chad said the victim said "only gay people would vote for Kerry because he supports gay marriage."

Backstrom said the victims then "called the other guys some names."

Chad said later in the afternoon when he and the victim were walking to their cars they heard their three senior classmates yelling at them, according to the police report.

Chad got to his car, but the three 17-year-olds attacked the victim, he said, hitting him in face, including with a baseball bat and kicking him. One boy had a padlock wrapped around his finger, Chad said.

Developing...

Look I know a lot of pussy Democrats are going to send me mail like "LOL!!! U GUUUUYZ U CAN'T BEAT SOM-1 UP JUST CAUSE THEY DISAGREEE WITH U!!!!" But apparently, you can. Look I'm not advocating hurting or killing anyone, I'm not a violent person by nature. But to be perfectly honest I would love to, just once, see a story about a bunch of gay guys beating a redneck in Wyoming to death. I wouldn't mind if NAACP official Medgar Evers could have assassinated a white supremacist every now and then. I know, I KNOW "Violence begets violence" and all that shit. But when the recipient of a good beating is unquestionably an asshole, do I have to feel bad for them? Why must assholes alway be the beneficiaries when horrible violence occurs?

If I Was A Firefighter In Falluja I Would Not Support The Troops

It seems to me "the troops" and firefighters ought to be arch-enemies. As soon as the fireguys put out a fire, "the troops" go and start another fire. For the folks at home, when you drop a shit-load of explosives on a wedding party that shit tends to catch fire. Perhaps in an indirect way, but there's a 99.999% that whatever the bombs hit WILL catch fire.

So what's a knee-jerk jerk of a columnist from the New York Post supposed to do? Which side should he take? Oh shit, firefighters put out fires so I gotta salute them, but "the troops" cause fires so they're the arch nemesis of firefighters so I can't support that. But I can't not support that 'cause it's "the troops."

Man, I would hate to be a firefighter in Falluja. Of course, I'd hate to be a firefighter anywhere. And of course I'd hate to be anything in Falluja. But I would love to be a "troop" in Falluja. "The Troops" love a good killing, and man, nothing says killing like a place called Falluja. In english it translates roughly into, "place where there is no Britney Spears but lots of suffering."

Am I dealing with dated cliches here? My bad. Are there new old cliches that are purcolating at this point that I'm missing? What, now that the election is over people are stopping the bullshit? No more terror alerts? No more TERRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now that Iraq has no political currency do we get to REALLY hear about what's happening over there? Doth the bullshit-detector detect no more bullshit?

Shame on you for not liking shitty music!

Our last 18 articles were either about politics, or talking shit about Christians. I figure it's time for a break. Last week the New York Times ran an article on "Rockism". Here's their definition:

Music critics have a word for this kind of verdict, this knee-jerk backlash against producer-powered idols who didn't spend years touring dive bars. Not a very elegant word, but a useful one. The word is rockism, and among the small but extraordinarily pesky group of people who obsess over this stuff, rockism is a word meant to start fights.
...
Rockism means idolizing the authentic old legend (or underground hero) while mocking the latest pop star; lionizing punk while barely tolerating disco; loving the live show and hating the music video; extolling the growling performer while hating the lip-syncher.

Ok, that kind of sounds like me. Maybe they're right! Maybe i'm not giving new music a chance! Lets see what else the New York Times has to say, you know I really like the way the New York Times surrounds a story, it helps me never have to think for myself. My wife loves the Times weekend section, I like to check out the magazines. Our daughter likes to find out whats going on on the web.

You can argue that the shape-shifting feminist hip-pop of Ms. Aguilera is every bit as radical as the punk rock of the 1970's (and it is)

Yeah! Absolutely. I was just thinking that. I love how Christina ponders the influence of neo-facism on youth culture. In fact, the sense of empowerment I feel when I hear this Clash verse:

Kick over the wall cause government's to fall
How can you refuse it?
Let fury have the hour, anger can be power
Do you know that you can use it?

Is roughly equivalent to how I feel when I listen to Xtina's "dirrrrrrrrrrty":

Ah, dirrty (dirrty)
Filthy (filthy)
Nasty (Christina), you nasty (yeah)
Too dirrty to clean my act up
If you ain't dirrty
You ain't here to party (woo!)

Anyone who disagrees is obviously an elitist snob. Guess what, New York Times writer? You are, as always, full of shit. People don't prefer music from the 60's and 70's because they want to impress you. They prefer it because it is actually better. Can you get that through your thick skull? I don't listen to the Ramones or Who so I can talk about it later with dorky record store clerks. I like them because they make songs that are actually fucking listenable. You cannot claim that all music is roughly equivalent. If you were to say that 101 Dinosaur Jokes is just as important and influential as the Complete Works of William Shakespeare even your fellow douchebags in the NY Times "Arts and Leisure" department would laugh your ass out of the building. Unfortunately for you, I have to point it out to the world instead. I hope your wife reads this and divorces you.

Maybe the Romans had the right idea.

If there is one thing the election on tuesday has taught us, it is that we need to stop playing nice with these ultra religious right wing lunatics. We need to stop taking them at their word. I'm no biblical scholar, but if anything these people are less christian in their actions than I am. Now it's pretty clear to me that neoconservatives are immune to "reason" and "facts" but I know they do have an Achillies heel: Fucking lions!


Sen. Sam Brownback(R-KS) and Sen. Rick Santorum(R-PA)

Both of the senators pictured above claim to be servants of the Lord. Senator Brownback is a harsh critic of profanity and sex in the media. Brownback has written several letter to Viacom in an attempt to force Howard Stern off the air. Brownback is also one of the most vocal opponents of embryonic stem cell research in Congress. Senator Santorum on the other hand, famously equated homosexuality with poligamy, child molestation and beastiality!

SANTORUM: If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to [gay] consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does. It all comes from, I would argue, this right to privacy that doesn't exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution, this right that was created, it was created in Griswold--Griswold was the contraceptive case--and abortion. And now we're just extending it out.

SANTORUM: "Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman. Why? Because society is based on one thing: that society is based on the future of the society. And that's what? Children. Monogamous relationships. In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality. . . [interrupted]

Maybe these men really are Christ's chosen messangers, how the fuck would I know? Luckily there is a sure fire way to find out: Cast them into a den of lions overnight. If they are alive in the morning: Shazam! They serve God. From the book of Daniel 6:16-22:

¹⁶ Then the king commanded, and they brought Daniel, and cast him into the den of lions. Now the king spake and said unto Daniel, Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee. ¹⁷ And a stone was brought, and laid upon the mouth of the den; and the king sealed it with his own signet, and with the signet of his lords; that the purpose might not be changed concerning Daniel. ¹⁸ Then the king went to his palace, and passed the night fasting: neither were instruments of musick brought before him: and his sleep went from him. ¹⁹ Then the king arose very early in the morning, and went in haste unto the den of lions. ²⁰ And when he came to the den, he cried with a lamentable voice unto Daniel: and the king spake and said to Daniel, O Daniel, servant of the living God, is thy God, whom thou servest continually, able to deliver thee from the lions? ²¹ Then said Daniel unto the king, O king, live for ever. ²² My God hath sent his angel, and hath shut the lions' mouths, that they have not hurt me: forasmuch as before him innocency was found in me; and also before thee, O king, have I done no hurt.

Too extreme? I don't think so. I'm not advocating throwing all Christians to the lions(at least not publicly). I think we should save it for the moral crusaders who preach their brand of Christian extremist ethics to the rest of us. When these Senators prove themselves to be lionproof, I will start listening to what they have to say about morality and values, not before.