Bernie Kerik is Uniquely Qualified to Head the Dept. of Convoluted Scandals

I miss the good old days when one big scandal would fuck up a politician's entire career. Bernie Kerik, the White House's choice for Homeland Security Director, has more scandals than I can count. Many politicians have a skeleton in the closet, but Bernie Kerik has a Mass Grave!

• Kerik withdrew his name from consideration for the president's cabinet, stating that he had "questions about the immigration status" of a nanny of his (Read: illegal nanny he didn't pay taxes for). Good thing HE brought this to light, since no one else seems to know who this woman was or where she is now.
  
• The Daily News reports that Bernie Kerik carried on two extramarital affairs in a "secret love nest" overlooking Ground Zero. One woman was a correction officer and colleague, the other was publisher Judith Regan (who is still fairly hot, despite the cruel ravages of time). Kerik also is rumored to have abused his position as New York City Police Commissioner, by ordering five seasoned Homicide Division detectives to search for Regan's cell phone.
• At a time when Kerik appeared to be flat broke, he bought two apartments in the expensive Riverdale section of the Bronx. The contractor and engineer Kerik brought in to renovate these apartments were charged with felonies. The engineer, Charles Marino paid a 10,000 fine and received 5 years probation for filling out fraudulent documents with the Department of Environmental Protection. The contractor Ed Sisca served a 4 1/2 year prison term for a bid rigging schene, and had close ties with the Gambino Crime family, with his father serving as a capo in the organization.
• Kerik worked to get his friend and his brother employed by a New Jersey based construction firm that was later found to have ties to the Gambino crime family, as well as the New Jersey mob. Kerik's friend, Lawrence Ray, was convicted of a felony conspiracy charge for "conspiring to obtain an insurance bond" for the crooked company.

All of that was discovered in the last week, mostly by reporters from the New York Daily News. Keep in mind that the Daily News usually runs front page stories about who Colin Farrell was caught "canoodling with" the night before. I worry when a paper that usually focuses on "Tara Reid's Wild Night Out" is doing a better job of vetting Cabinet candidates than the FBI, NSA and Secret Service.

A positive side effect of all this is that Kerik's stink is rubbing off on his current business partner and number one fan, Rudy Giuliani. After 9/11, the former NYC mayor became "America's Mayor" and the presidential candidacy buzz began. Now Kerik seems to be finishing off Giuliani's political career, a process that was started by testicular cancer in the 2000 Senate Elections. After campaigning for Kerik for weeks, and making a personal recommendation to the President, Giuliani is having a tough time distancing himself from the fallout. At this point, if someone were to offer me a choice between an association with Bernie Kerik and ball cancer... Let's just say that my balls would not be happy with my decision.

I know, I know bullshit is winning....

I haven't posted in a week, and it probably appears to my enormous legion of 6 or 7 fans that bullshit has finally defeated me. Fear not motherfuckers, for that is not the case. My other non-bullshit detecting job has been hectic, and I was real sick this week. It might have something to do with the back alley flu shot I had to get due to the shortage. Why does every back alley procedure seem to require a wire hanger in my ass? More articles to come over the next four days.