Dear Abby, I Love Abortions But I Hate Group Think, What Should I Do?

Dear Abby,
This isn't about Bullshit as much as it's about the side-effects of Bullshit. Sometimes you do your best to steer clear of what you fear from the Steer, but other people are lax and so you have to deal with their shortcomings.

One side effect of Bullshit is that you communicate one idea and the people around you attach that idea to several other "related" ideas. Like you say "I'm against the war in Iraq." Just from that people assume that you are a pacifist, that you support the legalization of marijuana, that Palestiine needs to be free, that gays should be married, and that sodomy is awesome. Mostly because it is.

Likewise, when you say "Man I loves me some country music," it automatically seems to suggest to people that you want lower taxes, you fear brown people, you approve of guns, and you simultaneously love Israel and hate Jews.

It's almost like living in Blockbuster video. If you liked "Saving Private Ryan" you'll love "Bosom Buddies." Somehow "A" equals "Z" no matter what. Well you know what I say to that? That's just Bullshit talking!

I don't like crowds of people and I don't like group think. Yes I seek communion with people, but in the meantime, I'm suspicious of them. The opinions I have tend to be on a case-by-case basis. If they align themselves with other people's opinions, that's awesome. But also coincidental hopefully.

I'm liking Jesus more and more, but that doesn't make me stupid. I think the War on Iraq is a bunch of bullying tactics, but I'm not necessarily a pacifist. ("Pacifist" has words like "ass" and "fist" in it and I don't want any asses near my fists or and fists in my ass.) More and more I believe people should have guns to protect them from their own government. But I still don't enjoy Lynryd Skynryd any more. I think Ralph Nader is awesome but that doesn't mean I have to love Noam Chomsky. Oh wait, scratch that, I do love Noam Chomsky. Ultimately, I love liberal ideals but I hate dirty hippies all at the same time.

My point here is that people are complex. In spite of mass communication's need to play the percentages and lump us into various categories, groups, styles, etc etc, there are better ways to look at people. Maybe it's more complicated but it is more accurate. "Liberal," "conservative," "pimp," "ho" are all generalizations and don't properly account for the people that get swept up in those nets. I like the Ramones but I hate Blink 182. To some they are related, to me they are complete ideological enemies.

Right?

Bumper Sticker Supports, Exploits Troops.

An anonymous reader pointed out this article about a country singer's clever campaign to get airplay in Middle America. The singer, Chely Wright, wrote a song called "The Bumper of My SUV," which "tells how she was driving down West End Avenue in Nashville in her SUV when someone saw her bumper sticker supporting the troops and made an obscene gesture."

In an effort to promote the (almost certainly) unlistenable song, members of Chely's fan club pretended to be either the family members of forces serving in Iraq, or the soldiers themselves. With their new ultra-awesome freedom-defending credentials in place, the crack team of professional douchebags sent out a torrent of emails, and called radio stations with fabricated sob stories.

An Example:

I heard that Bumper Sticker on my SUV song. Well, let me tell you it stopped me in my tracks! My husband is over in Iraq right now and he is a Marine. Half way through the song my tears were flowing. I brought a sense of pride and a longing for him to come home. The words were so true. How lucky are we! We drive safe on our streets and no one wants war but this is their job.

I hope you can play this again so more people can hear and during this holiday season when we are missing our loved ones it gives us a sense of pride that someone gets why they are away and are doing what they are doing.

Thank you, Thank Chely Wright and Gold Bless this great nation of ours!

Sally Craig

So inspirational! If only it were true. But I'm sure the men and women who are being perforated on a daily basis by rockets and IEDs, won't mind being exploited to sell a few extra copies of a trite faux-patriotic turd of a record.

It's safe to say that I support the troops more than any asshole who just puts a bumper sticker on his car, and listens to some crap song that was written in four minutes by an opportunistic cunt desperate to launch a career. That's pretty sad; I barely support the troops at all.

These are the kind of stories that made me aspire to be the world's foremost bullshit detective. It's like the perfect storm of patriotism, stupidity and hypocrisy. The layers of irony are thicker than Delta Burke's thighs. Chely's tacky oil chugging Monster Truck is doing more to keep the troops in Iraq than any other factor. Her transportation choices seem to "support" the troops staying in Iraq until the oil wells dry up. And the lyrics of the song lecture a woman for flipping her SUV the middle finger, because that is an act of anti-troops treason. How does she know that the woman flipped her the bird over her "US Marines" sticker? Perhaps Chely thinks the sticker is supposed to make her immune to any criticism from other motorists? Can you give a lecture about supporting the troops, while running a scam that exploits them? If the last presidential election is any indication, the answer is "Fuck Yeah!"

You Can't Put Your Arm Around A Memory, But You Can Attack A Military Base During War

I'm not taking sides here. My only enemy is the elusive Bullshit. I hate Bullshit and I hate the mangling of the english language. I'm not afraid of pregnant woman nor do I hate our Freedom. I'm taking the side of intelligent english discourse. Discourse and intercourse. Man, I love intercourse.

Terrorism is when you attack civilians. War happens when you attack military sites. you shoot up a military installation, you get to be in the "WAR" column. You kill a kid while he's watching Spongebob Al Squarepants and you get to be in the "TERROR" category.

Now I know y'all are busy with your Christmas shopping so I won't bother y'all with any unsightly details, but it seems odd to me that when the Iraqi patriots score a tactical victory against their opponents, the United States Army, we hear about it in the news as a terrorist attack. My reaction is "no bitch, that was no terrorist attack. That was a military operation, and according to the rules of kicking ass it was a successful operation. "

Number one, there are no US civilians in Iraq, aside from Clara Barton and her sisters. If you are in Iraq, methinks you're there for a military operation of your own. So if the Iraqis trump your operation with one of their own, you can't be a sore loser and call them "terrorists." Whatever happened to "good game, good game..."? Give some credit where it's due.

(As an aside, if we the United States kill some kids we can't be calling that "collateral damage" at the same time we're calling the defenders of Iraqi soil "terrorists" for hitting their military targets. Everyone gets held to the same standard, ok people?)

So basically it's impossible for a US member of "The Troops" to be killed by "Terrorists." I'm not saying it doesn't suck, I'm just saying if you're in a military uniform and you feel the need to go adventuring through other people's houses and yards and countries, than you better keep it real and give your adversary credit if his paint ball gun tags you better than your's tags his.

And to people who read the news, beware. That black ink on your fingers is made out of bullshit.

Show Your Iraqi Patriotism!