At This Point the Daily News is Just Fucking With Me.

I know that I criticize the NY Daily News a bit excessively. In the past I have claimed that the Daily News was the worst thing ever created by human hands besides maybe the atom bomb. I theorized that if trees could talk, they would tell us that becoming part of an issue of the Daily News is the worst imaginable death. They would beg us not to do such a vile thing with their remains. The Daily News is the 1st circle of Hell to a tree. Much of the reason for my spite is the fact that Jennifer Lopez and/or Ben Affleck have appeared on the cover a staggering 14,045 times. And even if I lay aside the celebrity worshiping bullshit, their is the way the Daily News editors bend logic to the breaking point to find a way to put a pretty white girl on the cover. If a photogenic 12 year old honkey is hit by a car or some cracker tart is murdered while jogging, the Daily News will put aside every other developing story and devote a solid month of coverage to the "story".

Despite my healthy cynicism regarding the paper, every once in a while they manage to surprise me with some fucked up move. Such is the case with their response to the Indian Ocean tragedy this weekend.

Two days after a massive tsunami hit Southeast Asia, with a death toll skyrocketing into the hundreds of thousands, the Daily News editors had a difficult choice to make: "How do we get someone hot on the cover?" Now if I was editing a newspaper I would probably run a headline like "HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD 120,000 MOTHERFUCKERS JUST GOT KILLED BY TIDAL WAVE... OH LORD OH JESUS... FUCK!" The Daily News, however, decided to run with "N.Y. supermodel held on for dear life for 8 hours in raging surf." A smaller blurb read "At least 24,000 dead in Tsunami."

Apparently, (like it matters), some supermodel named Petra Nemcova was vacationing in Thailand with her boyfriend when the tidal wave hit. The model held on to a tree trunk or some shit and suffered a broken pelvis, and her boyfriend was swept out to sea, never to be seen again. Now first off, if she was a SUPERmodel she should have saved her boyfriend and hundreds of other civilians. Apparently she is just a regular non-super model. And second, what the fuck??!!?? One model who was slightly injured is more important than tens of thousands who were killed or maimed? More important than the millions who were left homeless?

Apparently hotness is the only criteria for newsworthiness at the Daily News. And by that measure I guess they made the correct decision. I conducted an experiment, I posted a picture of Petra Nemkova and a picture of a bunch of dead tsunami victims on HotOrNot.com, and the results speak for themselves:





EXCLUSIVE BULLSHIT UPDATE 01/01/2005:

Not to be outdone by the rival Daily News, the other piece of shit NYC "news"-paper, the New York Post, ran this today:



It's a story about a pretty little white girl who DIDN'T get killed in the tsunami. Memo to idiots who read these papers, some of the victims of this tragedy weren't white. Most likely 99.8% of them. You are really better off not reading the news.

Stupid is the New Smart

I grew up believing that being smart was superior to being stupid. I tried to pay attention in school. I learned about dinosaurs, and state capitals, and long division. It all seemed really important. When the black guy from G.I. Joe explained that it's a bad idea to ride your bike on live power lines, I carefully analyzed and processed that information. I was eager to find out about evolution and astronomy, I was happy to discover that the world is more than 6000 years old. I was the #1 fan of the scientific method of making a hypothesis, conducting a study, reviewing evidence, and making a conclusion.

I was wrong about everything.

Intelligence is a negative quality in America. To the average American, an "intellectual" is morally equivalent to a child molester. How else to explain the results of last month's election? George W. Bush showed us that the ability to speak clearly, in complete sentences is by no means a prerequisite to running this country. Asking for other people's opinions and examining evidence is now seen as a sign of weakness. I've seen the argument that "it's better to be strong and wrong" than to appear "indecisive" by thinking a lot and shit. John Kerry, was heavily criticized for using "big words" and labeled an "intellectual elitist". The worst thing you can be right now is an intellectual, or a world traveler, a university professor, activist judge or trial lawyer. On the other hand, "common folk", NASCAR enthusiasts, country music fans, SUV pilots, and Wal-Mart shoppers are the "heart and soul of America".

Every day I see a new story in the news about dumb motherfuckers being honored for their stupidity. Last week Time magazine named George W. Bush, "Person of the Year". When I saw that shit I was confused, it made me wonder if there were any other people this year. Bush's cabinet reshuffleing seems to have maximized the stupid quotient. Colin Powell was fired, Donald Rumsfeld was rehired, Condoleeza Rice got a promotion and a corner office. One stupid civil-rights-violating asshole, was replaced by another stupid torture-justifying asshole. A few weeks ago George Tenet, Gen. Tommy Franks and L. Paul Bremer were given the "Medal of Freedom" instead of the "Medal of Useless Dickheadery". Lying about WMDs, failing to secure a country, and running that country into the ground all qualify as Freedom increasing activities. Ahmed Chalabi was quoted as saying "Where's my fucking medal?"

And it's not just politics, Paris Hilton's new single "Your Cock Feels Soooo Big Inside Me" debuted at #1 on Billboard's Pop, R&B, Jazz, and Gospel charts last week. I can't explain it. I report, you decide.