10 Ten Flaming Pies Of 2004
1) Johnny Ramone is dead also? Man, that's some bullshit.
2) If you go to work, you are a hero - For some reason 'the terrorists' were going to attack Citibank so all the people who went to work that day were heroes. So we had to praise the brave people of Citibank for supporting "the troops" by not coming into work late. How come terrorists never want to attack a target after more than one news cycle? That's awesome that they take our attention spans into account when deciding to bomb stuff. I'm sorry what were we talking about?
3) Gay folks are normal and ought to do normal stuff - Sorry guyz I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemies, whomever they may be this news cycle. Gay dudes are a lot of things but they're not normal. Nor should they aspire to be. How come nobody I know wants to get married and be normal and settle down, but the same people get all happy when gay folk want to be regular? "My gay friends are so well spoken," they seem to be saying. Why do we struggle to be so unique, yet the more gay guys sublimate their ability to coordinate their socks with their ties, the happier we are for them? Gays get picked last in gym class, create some amazing music (Lars Ulrich I'm looking at you), eat alone in the lunchroom, and contemplate suicide to the same degree they contemplate their neighbor's fuzzy ass. This makes them way more interesting and human than this Abercrombie & Fitch bitch we want them to become. Oh and by "we" I mean "y'all."
4) War Is Awesome - War is not awesome, just ask those of us who aren't fighting in one. War is a good metaphor, but it's a shitty reality. I love it when people are all into war. ("I love it" meaning "I don't love it.") As if it's anything as good as sex. Have you guys ever tried having sex? It's awesome. I don't know how this one got away from us but under no circumstances is war ever awesome. And don't give me this "necessary" bullshit. I've been drinking and I can see right through that argument. This seems so basic to me, so I may have a hard time putting it into words, but just wait until "the Troops" start coming back from Iraqistan and start new lives as shopping mall security guards and professional balloon-animal makers. These guys are gonna be very poorly equipped to deal with things like a) reality, b) not shooting people with whom they have a difference of opinion with, and c) womenfagsjewsmuslims. Ask Dimebag Darrell if he supports "the Troops." Oh wait you can't, because he got shot in the face 5 times by a "the Troops" and now he can't give his answer.
5) Bernie Kerik Is Not Awesome - Now that statement is just bullshit. BK is the most awesome Awesome there is in this part of town. He's got the mustache, he's got the apartment overlooking places that dare not speak their name, he's got pills, skillz, and thrills. We can't bail
out on him now, he's got more awesomeness to achieve. How come we love him for his authoritarian "no you can't stand here you must keep walking" attitude but we hate him for his freedom? (And by "freedom" I mean his ability to get his wife pregnant whilst chillin' with Judith Regan and one other allegedly docile gal.) Sorry y'all, but I didn't like his "mustache=authority" attitude. I much prefer his "mustache=good times are a-comin" attitude.
6) Janet Jackson Has Titties? Oh Yes, 30 Million People Can Testify - Charles Manson may dis-uh-gree with this statement, but it seems in this world you can murder people, take their life, and congress just goes "oh snap dawg, dat's ruff stuff." But if you stick out a titty, covered with diamonds and jewels, you will feel the wrath of the United States Govenment like no one has since, uh, Iraqi civilians about 3 minutes ago. I was there, I saw the titty and I was dismayed. I admit it. Everyone says Justin Timberlake looks a little like me so I was dismayed when I saw myself reaching up for a "titty-shaped remote control that lives on Janet Jackson's chest", and changed the proverbial channel from "the Patriots are up by 7" to "Oh shit I just touched a titty and I liked it very much." I agree that it was crazy to see it, perhaps that is why they don't show war on television? So you can't see how bad it is and make it stop? Aside from Robin Byrd I haven't seen a titty on TV all year, thanks alot. The US Congress acted mad fast to get to the bottom of that, way faster than getting down to the fact that 340 tons of explosives are hiding up somebody's dress.
7) Top 10 Lists Always Seem To Run Out Of Steam Around #7 - I don't know about you, but there's a lot of bullshit out there, almost so much that you run out of outrage to outrace the bullshit with. We got bullshit from 2003 we're still working on and now it's 2005? Oh snap, we got more of a logjam here than a San Francisco Town Hall wedding ceremony, heyyyooo! I feel like I'm watching an episode of "I Love Lucy" and those bullshit-shaped chocolates keep coming down the conveyor belt faster than Lucy can stick them down her bra and mouth. It makes we wanna play for the winning team sometimes. Sometimes I wanna be a Republican and get away with some bullshit. It's almost like a Denial Of Service attack, so much bullshit is coming down the pipeline that people are getting away with stuff the teachers in Catholic school swore you couldn't do. I don't want to end up like a chump, not doing evil when everybody else is. I'm jealous.
8) Iraqis Ought Not To Tortured - There's been a lot of bantering on most "the Liberals" websites about how you shouldn't torture Iraqis and America should stop torturing prisoners, etc etc. Well you know what I say? Stop blaming the victims. Stop blaming the US militiary for it's policy of institutionalized torture. What I realize is that every group of people that rule over the Iraqis eventually get so frustrated with their laziness, their slovenly dress, their stubborn attitudes and their sloth-like pace that they lash out at them and stretch them over a rack in frustration. Saddam Hussein fell victim to their pain-in-the-ass attitude and commenced their collective torture. The US Military blew him out of the water to save the Iraqis from their fate and what happens? Da Troops interact with Iraqis for less than a year and they can't take dealing with them anymore. Da Troops fell victim to the obstinate Iraqi character and they couldn't help but punish them collectively for it either. People keep torturing Iraqis 'cause I guess the Iraqis drove them to it. It's entrapment I say. Everybody's crying out for the torture to stop, I wish the Iraqi people would stop torturing their captors with their morale-crushing ways.
9) John Kerry Would Be An Awesome President - Now y'all know this was one of the biggest turds to drop from the sky. The Democrats had four years to find a good candidate to square off with a man who does the best "Will-Farrell-as-Frank-the-Tank" impersonation of any President alive today and they still couldn't get the job done. Howard Dean got a hatchet job done to him by his own people, and Al Sharpton had issues with "too much skin pigmentation" to be president, so John Kerry was the Man. But to me John Kerry was the fat girl you take home at 3:15 AM to sleep with because all the hot girls you passed over at 1:15 AM have gone home and you, in fact, didn't do any better than you said you could. Hot girls are gone, fat girl it is. "Ralph Nader could be an awesome President, but we're in a panic and we need to win so we gotta have somebody who can do the job." Yeah? Well guess who didn't do the job...
10) George W Bush Would Be An Awesome President - The Number 1 Bullshit for 2004 is the idea that Dubya should have been re-elected. This is a tough one to explain because it seems so self-evident. When I was in high school I used to be the Master of Ceremonies at the winter "Caberet" my theater group would put on. Every so often someone would get on stage and do an act that was so bad, you'd be in the audience and you would be cringing and holding your ears as if the person was scratching his nails down a blackboard. You took pity on the poor kid, you were hurt physically by their act. This is the sensation I get when George Bush speaks more than two sentences. I feel bad for him, I wince. His press conferences and public speaking duties are a car accident. He's kind of like getting all important information via a 56K modem. You get so frustrated at his slowness that you stop the feed halfway and shut the whole thing down. The reason the White House gets away with so much bullshit is because their messenger is awful. It's like an Edgar Allen Poe mystery, hide the evidence of your crime in clear view, on the mouthpiece that is George Bush, and no one will ever discover what you've done.
2) If you go to work, you are a hero - For some reason 'the terrorists' were going to attack Citibank so all the people who went to work that day were heroes. So we had to praise the brave people of Citibank for supporting "the troops" by not coming into work late. How come terrorists never want to attack a target after more than one news cycle? That's awesome that they take our attention spans into account when deciding to bomb stuff. I'm sorry what were we talking about?
3) Gay folks are normal and ought to do normal stuff - Sorry guyz I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemies, whomever they may be this news cycle. Gay dudes are a lot of things but they're not normal. Nor should they aspire to be. How come nobody I know wants to get married and be normal and settle down, but the same people get all happy when gay folk want to be regular? "My gay friends are so well spoken," they seem to be saying. Why do we struggle to be so unique, yet the more gay guys sublimate their ability to coordinate their socks with their ties, the happier we are for them? Gays get picked last in gym class, create some amazing music (Lars Ulrich I'm looking at you), eat alone in the lunchroom, and contemplate suicide to the same degree they contemplate their neighbor's fuzzy ass. This makes them way more interesting and human than this Abercrombie & Fitch bitch we want them to become. Oh and by "we" I mean "y'all."
4) War Is Awesome - War is not awesome, just ask those of us who aren't fighting in one. War is a good metaphor, but it's a shitty reality. I love it when people are all into war. ("I love it" meaning "I don't love it.") As if it's anything as good as sex. Have you guys ever tried having sex? It's awesome. I don't know how this one got away from us but under no circumstances is war ever awesome. And don't give me this "necessary" bullshit. I've been drinking and I can see right through that argument. This seems so basic to me, so I may have a hard time putting it into words, but just wait until "the Troops" start coming back from Iraqistan and start new lives as shopping mall security guards and professional balloon-animal makers. These guys are gonna be very poorly equipped to deal with things like a) reality, b) not shooting people with whom they have a difference of opinion with, and c) womenfagsjewsmuslims. Ask Dimebag Darrell if he supports "the Troops." Oh wait you can't, because he got shot in the face 5 times by a "the Troops" and now he can't give his answer.
5) Bernie Kerik Is Not Awesome - Now that statement is just bullshit. BK is the most awesome Awesome there is in this part of town. He's got the mustache, he's got the apartment overlooking places that dare not speak their name, he's got pills, skillz, and thrills. We can't bail
out on him now, he's got more awesomeness to achieve. How come we love him for his authoritarian "no you can't stand here you must keep walking" attitude but we hate him for his freedom? (And by "freedom" I mean his ability to get his wife pregnant whilst chillin' with Judith Regan and one other allegedly docile gal.) Sorry y'all, but I didn't like his "mustache=authority" attitude. I much prefer his "mustache=good times are a-comin" attitude.
6) Janet Jackson Has Titties? Oh Yes, 30 Million People Can Testify - Charles Manson may dis-uh-gree with this statement, but it seems in this world you can murder people, take their life, and congress just goes "oh snap dawg, dat's ruff stuff." But if you stick out a titty, covered with diamonds and jewels, you will feel the wrath of the United States Govenment like no one has since, uh, Iraqi civilians about 3 minutes ago. I was there, I saw the titty and I was dismayed. I admit it. Everyone says Justin Timberlake looks a little like me so I was dismayed when I saw myself reaching up for a "titty-shaped remote control that lives on Janet Jackson's chest", and changed the proverbial channel from "the Patriots are up by 7" to "Oh shit I just touched a titty and I liked it very much." I agree that it was crazy to see it, perhaps that is why they don't show war on television? So you can't see how bad it is and make it stop? Aside from Robin Byrd I haven't seen a titty on TV all year, thanks alot. The US Congress acted mad fast to get to the bottom of that, way faster than getting down to the fact that 340 tons of explosives are hiding up somebody's dress.
7) Top 10 Lists Always Seem To Run Out Of Steam Around #7 - I don't know about you, but there's a lot of bullshit out there, almost so much that you run out of outrage to outrace the bullshit with. We got bullshit from 2003 we're still working on and now it's 2005? Oh snap, we got more of a logjam here than a San Francisco Town Hall wedding ceremony, heyyyooo! I feel like I'm watching an episode of "I Love Lucy" and those bullshit-shaped chocolates keep coming down the conveyor belt faster than Lucy can stick them down her bra and mouth. It makes we wanna play for the winning team sometimes. Sometimes I wanna be a Republican and get away with some bullshit. It's almost like a Denial Of Service attack, so much bullshit is coming down the pipeline that people are getting away with stuff the teachers in Catholic school swore you couldn't do. I don't want to end up like a chump, not doing evil when everybody else is. I'm jealous.
8) Iraqis Ought Not To Tortured - There's been a lot of bantering on most "the Liberals" websites about how you shouldn't torture Iraqis and America should stop torturing prisoners, etc etc. Well you know what I say? Stop blaming the victims. Stop blaming the US militiary for it's policy of institutionalized torture. What I realize is that every group of people that rule over the Iraqis eventually get so frustrated with their laziness, their slovenly dress, their stubborn attitudes and their sloth-like pace that they lash out at them and stretch them over a rack in frustration. Saddam Hussein fell victim to their pain-in-the-ass attitude and commenced their collective torture. The US Military blew him out of the water to save the Iraqis from their fate and what happens? Da Troops interact with Iraqis for less than a year and they can't take dealing with them anymore. Da Troops fell victim to the obstinate Iraqi character and they couldn't help but punish them collectively for it either. People keep torturing Iraqis 'cause I guess the Iraqis drove them to it. It's entrapment I say. Everybody's crying out for the torture to stop, I wish the Iraqi people would stop torturing their captors with their morale-crushing ways.
9) John Kerry Would Be An Awesome President - Now y'all know this was one of the biggest turds to drop from the sky. The Democrats had four years to find a good candidate to square off with a man who does the best "Will-Farrell-as-Frank-the-Tank" impersonation of any President alive today and they still couldn't get the job done. Howard Dean got a hatchet job done to him by his own people, and Al Sharpton had issues with "too much skin pigmentation" to be president, so John Kerry was the Man. But to me John Kerry was the fat girl you take home at 3:15 AM to sleep with because all the hot girls you passed over at 1:15 AM have gone home and you, in fact, didn't do any better than you said you could. Hot girls are gone, fat girl it is. "Ralph Nader could be an awesome President, but we're in a panic and we need to win so we gotta have somebody who can do the job." Yeah? Well guess who didn't do the job...
10) George W Bush Would Be An Awesome President - The Number 1 Bullshit for 2004 is the idea that Dubya should have been re-elected. This is a tough one to explain because it seems so self-evident. When I was in high school I used to be the Master of Ceremonies at the winter "Caberet" my theater group would put on. Every so often someone would get on stage and do an act that was so bad, you'd be in the audience and you would be cringing and holding your ears as if the person was scratching his nails down a blackboard. You took pity on the poor kid, you were hurt physically by their act. This is the sensation I get when George Bush speaks more than two sentences. I feel bad for him, I wince. His press conferences and public speaking duties are a car accident. He's kind of like getting all important information via a 56K modem. You get so frustrated at his slowness that you stop the feed halfway and shut the whole thing down. The reason the White House gets away with so much bullshit is because their messenger is awful. It's like an Edgar Allen Poe mystery, hide the evidence of your crime in clear view, on the mouthpiece that is George Bush, and no one will ever discover what you've done.
6 Comments:
"But to me John Kerry was the fat girl you take home at 3:15 AM to sleep with because all the hot girls you passed over at 1:15 AM have gone home"
YOU passed over the hot girls??? YOU? I don't think so Mr. Lord. Me thinks the hot girls pass over you.
Oh snap, dawg. You got me. I suppose what I MEANT to say was, at 1:15 it's still early so you're picky and choosey. "Yeah, she's cute but I can do better" you say to yourself. But then the script gets flipped and the numbers thin out and you get Punk'D. Too many hot girls plus time equals a derth of hot girls. It's scientific y'all. By 3:15 you're scrambling like Ickey Woods at the 3 yard line to get in that end zone so you can do the Ickey Shuffle. It may only be a 2 point conversion but at least you scored, right?
gee, you sound like a catch.
i think it's less of a 2 point conversion than it is a safety at that point. get the points, then get the free kick!
I don't know if anybody here "gets the points" or the point. Now I'm not sure who Anonymous is, I prefer my ladies to be Nonymous. It's all in good fun, all in that fun spirit that John Kerry brings to things. I'm just relaying a metaphor using ways in which men think. If Anonymous doesn't realize men think this way sometimes, especially after 12 beers, then it's a good thing I used that metaphor when I did. I don't player-hate, I educate.
that last anonymous comment about the "safety dance" was all me. damn blogger!
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