No, I'm smart; it's my TITS that are stupid.

Poor Tara Reid. People aren't giving her enough credit. I mean, sure she's paid millions of dollars to work a few months a year, even though she's an untrained, untalented hack with a voice so raspy, CeCe Deville is sending her lozenges. But that big bad press, without which she'd be starring in straight-to-DVD(A) porn flicks, can be so cruel! They're constantly exposing her drunken escapades and snapping her photo instead of politely pointing out that her glutenous plastic boob is completely exposed.

And so hold your breath, friends, as a deluded (coke-addled?) manager atttempts the extremest of image makeovers, landing Tara a role as "a young genius anthropologist with an incredible memory" in the upcoming Alone in the Dark.

HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

I saw Tara trying to explain to Late Late Show's Craig Ferguson exactly what an anthropologist is and I'm paraphrasing, but it went something like this:

"Um they like are people who like know about other people, like the Mayans, but like not just the Mayans, like the ones in this movie are made up, but like they know a lot about what they used to do and how they lived and stuff..."

I wish I could find a transcript of that show because her actual answer was dumber than I could make up.

But, listen: I'm being cruel. Sometimes smart people do stupid things and it gets blown out of proportion when you are famous, which is unfair.

Remember when Marie Curie was accepting that one award, and at the ceremony her vagina fell completely out of her gown and she didn't even notice for like 10 minutes?

Remember when Susan B. Anthony was partying with Paris Hilton, sucked 35 consecutive shots off of Nick Carter's ass, and ended up in a catfight with Shannen Doherty outside the Viper Room?

Remember when Eleanor Roosevelt got engaged to Carson Daly?

Remember when Germaine Greer starred in My Bosses Daughter?