Earth to Dipshits, If you Boycott an Election, You Can't Bitch About the Outcome

Before I get to the main story, I would like to offer a mea culpa of sorts. I apologize for suggesting that the elections in Iraq wouldn't be awesome. It turns out, according to the media, that they were the best elections ever. I am a mere bullshit detective, I'm not a clairvoyant. I looked at all the factors, I saw Sunnis pissed off, Al Sadr pissed off, al Qaeda pissed off, The Troops looking none too happy, 40 percent or more of the population in "unsafe" districts, and I predicted a battle royale.

As it turns out, Al Qaeda only set off about 9 suicide bombs, and only managed to kill 35 people or so. Now in America if the Trenchcoat Mafia managed to kill 35 people at Columbine High, we wouldn't be allowed to listen to Marilyn Manson, or play violent video games anymore. But I am also aware of the fact the entire country of Iraq is already a violent video game. And in that context Al Qaeda did a piss poor job of being terrifying.

I also gotta give it up for the people of Iraq. I don't know if I'd risk being suicide bombed to pull the lever for John Kerry. I like liberal senators from Massachusetts as much as the next Pro-Anal Sex Hollywood Abortion Doctor, but I'm not sure if I'd risk vaporization for one. And it is for those ballsy motherfuckers that I call bullshit on this story:

Iraqi Sunni Clerics: Election Lacked Legitimacy

Iraqis defied militants' threats and flocked to the polls on Sunday in the Shi'ite south and Kurdish north, but many in the central Sunni Arab heartland -- where the 22-month-old anti-American insurgency is strongest -- stayed home.

While the Bush administration insisted the election was conducted fairly and world leaders heaped praise on Iraqi voters, Iraq's Muslim Clerics' Association railed against the country's first multi-party ballot in half a century.

"These elections lack legitimacy because a large segment of different sects, parties and currents ... boycotted," the Sunni religious group said in a statement as the vote count proceeded.

I hate to burst your bubble, Sunnis, but if you don't vote in an election, you kinda lose the right to bitch about it. About 100 million Americans "boycott" our elections every four years, because the don't want to miss any of the Dukes of Hazzard marathon on TBS. I'm not saying elections always turn out the way you want even if you do vote, as non-President Kerry can attest. I'm just saying you can't have it both ways. When Rosa Parks boycotted the bus system in Montgomery, Alabama she didn't complain about how hard it suddenly was to get across town. Furthermore, Sunnis have been running Iraq since about 1968, and they did a pretty fucking lousy job of it. I'm somehow finding it tough to feel bad about their lack of representation. Then again, I'm sure they have some legitimate gripes, the new government is sure to be a bunch of whimpering puppets who lack even the power to take a piss without an American Soldier there to hold their dicks. But I'm trying not to be such a pessimist.

Now I know some Sunni Muslim asshole is gonna send me an email like "Al-LOL IT WASNT SAFE 2 VOTE! Al-LOL, BLAH BLAH BLAH AL QAEDA THREATS." Whatever. Al Qaeda now seem about as tough as Steve Urkel from Family Matters. Al Qaeda actually fucked up disrupting an election in Iraq, a country that's about as stable as Mariah Carey. Now every story ends with "despite Al Qaeda threats." Every story is like "Millions of Iraqis Vote Despite Threats of Attack", "Iraq Vote Count Proceeds Despite Al Qaeda Threats", "Franky Pelvis Surfs Web Looking For Porn Despite Al Qaeda Threats." It seems that every action besides praying to Allah, and forcing women to wear burkas provokes Al Qaeda threats. I've been safely ignoring Al Qaeda threats since September 12th 2001, with no ill effects.