ME TO HOLLYWOOD ANALYSTS: Boo-hoo! Go cry into your bag of drugs. Its in your luxury SUV. No, your OTHER luxury SUV.
I'm SO sick of articles about lackluster movie ticket sales, and hearing about how marketing geniuses are going to have to come up with more clever ways of selling us tickets and why why WHY aren't these movies making money?!!!
"Wahh! I spent 130 million dollars making the same piece of shit movie that has been released every summer for the past five years, and only 20 million people saw it in the first three days it was released!!! Why, me?!! I mean, Gladiator was such a success! Then Troy came out and did pretty well at the box office. Then Alexander... well, it got sort of a lukewarm reception, but still, it made, well, it made even less than my movie. I guess I should shut up and get started on Kingdom of Heaven II: Gettin' Heavenlier."
Hey, asshats! $20 million dollars isn't fucking chump change. You know how many people saw that movie? Doesn't that count for something? Isn't there something to be said for reaching people; validity for the film itself as art? Okay, it cost you a ton of money to make. But you probably made double your investment in endorsements, what with running 40 minutes of commercials even before the lights dimmed. And let's put this in perspective--opening weekend is only THREE DAYS of ticket sales. DOMESTIC. Calm down. You'll make your money back. Maybe you won't be able to afford to settle as many sexual harrassment lawsuits next year, but you'll survive.
And please don't think I'm singling out Kingdom of Heaven in any way - I didn't even see that movie (you're welcome). I'm really just pissed off at the IDEA that there are people who have hundreds of million dollars to sink into a single movie. And when movies don't perform to some hyper-elevated level of superbadassness, studios react first and foremost by taking fewer chances on original ideas; instead focusing on turning already well-made movies into newer, more-expensive totally unnecessary remakes. Or, they're adapting canceled television shows for the big screen. Guess what? Even when it came into our living rooms for free--when all a person had to do was get up off the beanbag furniture and turn that plastic dial to the right, maybe fiddle with the rabbit ears a little--America stopped watching Dukes of Hazzard years ago. Now you think putting Jessica Simpson and Johnny Knoxville in tight pants is gonna make us leave our homes and pay $10 to watch it at a theater?
Okay, yes. Fine. You had me at Willie Nelson.
My point is, why not take those hundreds of millions of dollars and make five or six, or ten movies with smaller budgets? Why not save the energy spent on brainstorming product placements and corporate tie-ins and sex scandals involving your actors/models/publicity whores, and use it to tell smarter, more compelling stories? Stories that don't require a healthy serving of roofies to make them relatable. I mean, seriously. No amount of eyeglasses and ponytails is going to convince me those fake tits belong to an anthropologist.
Don't try so hard to convince me what to see and what to buy. And whatever happens, don't expect me to sympathize when you manage to captivate the attentions of millions of people per day for two hours in a dark room.
"But I was hoping to draw in tens of millions!"
Boo hoo, fuckstain. Maybe once we stop throwing up chunks of Miss Congeniality II, we'll consider going to the movies again.
"Wahh! I spent 130 million dollars making the same piece of shit movie that has been released every summer for the past five years, and only 20 million people saw it in the first three days it was released!!! Why, me?!! I mean, Gladiator was such a success! Then Troy came out and did pretty well at the box office. Then Alexander... well, it got sort of a lukewarm reception, but still, it made, well, it made even less than my movie. I guess I should shut up and get started on Kingdom of Heaven II: Gettin' Heavenlier."
Hey, asshats! $20 million dollars isn't fucking chump change. You know how many people saw that movie? Doesn't that count for something? Isn't there something to be said for reaching people; validity for the film itself as art? Okay, it cost you a ton of money to make. But you probably made double your investment in endorsements, what with running 40 minutes of commercials even before the lights dimmed. And let's put this in perspective--opening weekend is only THREE DAYS of ticket sales. DOMESTIC. Calm down. You'll make your money back. Maybe you won't be able to afford to settle as many sexual harrassment lawsuits next year, but you'll survive.
And please don't think I'm singling out Kingdom of Heaven in any way - I didn't even see that movie (you're welcome). I'm really just pissed off at the IDEA that there are people who have hundreds of million dollars to sink into a single movie. And when movies don't perform to some hyper-elevated level of superbadassness, studios react first and foremost by taking fewer chances on original ideas; instead focusing on turning already well-made movies into newer, more-expensive totally unnecessary remakes. Or, they're adapting canceled television shows for the big screen. Guess what? Even when it came into our living rooms for free--when all a person had to do was get up off the beanbag furniture and turn that plastic dial to the right, maybe fiddle with the rabbit ears a little--America stopped watching Dukes of Hazzard years ago. Now you think putting Jessica Simpson and Johnny Knoxville in tight pants is gonna make us leave our homes and pay $10 to watch it at a theater?
Okay, yes. Fine. You had me at Willie Nelson.
My point is, why not take those hundreds of millions of dollars and make five or six, or ten movies with smaller budgets? Why not save the energy spent on brainstorming product placements and corporate tie-ins and sex scandals involving your actors/models/publicity whores, and use it to tell smarter, more compelling stories? Stories that don't require a healthy serving of roofies to make them relatable. I mean, seriously. No amount of eyeglasses and ponytails is going to convince me those fake tits belong to an anthropologist.
Don't try so hard to convince me what to see and what to buy. And whatever happens, don't expect me to sympathize when you manage to captivate the attentions of millions of people per day for two hours in a dark room.
"But I was hoping to draw in tens of millions!"
Boo hoo, fuckstain. Maybe once we stop throwing up chunks of Miss Congeniality II, we'll consider going to the movies again.
1 Comments:
i'm so convinced that we share a brain. you just put into words what i've been screaming at people for months now.
Post a Comment
<< Home