Top Ten Biggest Steamiest Smelliest Piles of Bullshit of 2004.
Happy New Year!
It's a few days into a brand new year, and since I'm filled with Holiday cheer I am going to give the current slate of bullshit a rest. Obviously there is plenty of it out there; fake-ass stories about ten year old girls breaking open their piggy banks to help tsunami victims, Alberto Gonzales' Senate Confirmation Hearing, Democratic challenges to the Ohio voting scandals. But for now, I am going to take this opportunity to do what every other inspirationally bankrupt dickwad on the planet is doing, and make a top 10 list! Brian beat me to the punch this year, but the way I see it you are getting two great lists for the price of none! That's the way we roll down at BSD.
So without further ado, Franky Pelvis Presents: the Top Ten Shiterriffic News Turds of the Year!
10. "Scott Peterson Sentenced to Death"
By including this in my top ten, I feel guilty for wasting more of your time and my bandwidth with this feeble shit pebble of a story. For some reason, America decided that this one single murder deserved more coverage than the other 16,000 murders that occurred in 2004 combined. Basically, a guy who sells animal shit for a living killed his pregnant wife and threw her in the San Francisco Bay. Oh, also, he was having an affair with some skank. That's it, I swear on a stack of bibles, that that's the whole story. It might be enough material for a 90 minute TV movie starring Tori Spelling. Instead it became the killing sensation that swept the nation. CNN, Fox and MSNBC devoted a total of 96,000 hours to "legal experts" commenting on every conceivable angle of the case. It was like the movie JFK except 3000 times longer. Congress even passed "Laci and Connor's Law" which made killing a pregnant woman an actual crime, instead of just lousy manners. As a story, it doesn't deserve to be in my top 500. But as a maelstrom of media manufactured manure, it makes the cut.
9. "Terror Alert Raised to Orange"
also known as: "We are All Going to DIIIIIIIE!"
While the actual color of the Terror Alert-o-Matic© in 2004 was slightly less erratic than it was in 2003, the Department of Homeland Security Issued endless "Terror Advisories" throughout the year. In a series of uncanny coincidences and hilarious misunderstandings every single one of them seemed to coincide with high points of hijinks during John Kerry's campaign, such as his selection of hunky Senator John Edwards as VP, and the Democratic National Convention. Tom Ridge also made sure to warn people in "urban areas" to be real careful on Nov 2 of potential terrorist attacks. In fact the closer we came to the election the more specific terror alerts became. An example:
8. "Handover of Iraqi Sovereignty, Ahead of Schedule"
also know as: "Surprise! You're Free!"
After boasting for months to whoever would listen, that Iraq was going to be a FreeTM Nation as of June 30th, the US decided to Punk the whole world by doing it two days early. Aw snap! You got me dawg! How did that happen? I guess someone fucked up setting up the "Nation Builder" template in Microsoft Project. Unfortunately, L. Paul Bremer, the interim leader on Iraq at the time, didn't get to join in on the festivities. He caught the first plane back to the United States faster than Paris Hilton catches STDs.
7. "Janet Jackson's 'Wardrobe Malfunction'"
also know as: "Black Tit Destroys Planet"
A fucking tit. A mocha flavored rapidly deteriorating booby with a fucked up silver doodad on it is the biggest threat to the children of America? We are borrowing up a national debt that will make our children the metaphorical Han Solo to China's Jabba the Hutt. We are starting multiple wars with people who hold grudges for 6000 years. We are shoveling Big Macs into children's arteries that will give them their first heart attack at age 11. It's time for America to face the fact that we don't give a rats ass about "The Children." Hell, we like The Children even less than we like The Troops. At least The Troops don't shit their pants and can follow an order the first time it's given.
Somehow with all the bullshit on TV the worst thing we've ever seen is 1/40th of a second of African-American nipple? We have no complaints when children watch idiots eat rat stew for fabulous cash and prizes. It's A-Ok to show kids that Plastic Surgery is the key to happiness. We give television specials and lucrative recording contracts to talentless twats like Ashlee Simpson and Kelly Clarkson(the aural equivalent of Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin). Parents, despite your frantic email petitions to the FCC, your sons and daughters are going to be turning tricks for crack by age 14. Leave the Jackson Family out of it.
6. "Tons of Iraq Explosives Missing"
One week before the Presidential Election, CBS News and the New York Times reported that around 380 tons of explosives disappeared from the Al Qaqaa weapons depot during the invasion of Iraq. 380 tons! That's like 2000 Chris Farleys composed entirely of highly explosive compounds. Just imagine the unprecedented destructive potential for a moment: One Chris Farley composed of flesh, blood, cocaine and pork rinds was explosive enough to destroy a hotel room. I don't know how many of those explosives were used to blow up civilians or soldiers, but I do know the last thing Iraq needs is more explosions. There are too many Ex-Plosions already, Iraq is nearly out of Plosions as it is.
5. "Was Bush AWOL / Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth""
also known as: Apocalypse Then
In August of 2003 both presidential candidates finally shifted their attention to the War. Unfortunately "The War" they focused on happened 35 years ago. The Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth" contended that Kerry didn't earn a single one of his medals, and that he lied to the Senate about Vietnam War atrocities. To hear them tell it, no atrocites occured during Vietnam, except when John Kerry was around. I guess Kerry planned the My Lai Massacre and personally dropped 4 million tons of Agent Orange on the Vietnamese people. A few problems, some Swift Boat Veterans had praised Kerry's service in the past, and the group has numerous legal and financial ties to the Bush-Chaney campaign. Additionally every atrocity Kerry detailed has been documented in Us Military Archives.
To be fair, though I believe their charges against Kerry to be about 93% bullshit, I will agree with the Swift Vets that campaigning almost exclusively on a 5 month tour of duty in a wildly unpopular war was pretty goddamn weak.
The smart thing to do during Vietnam turned out to be to just stay home and fuck around. Bush got into the Air National Guard, thus avoiding both the war, and the kind of drama that Kerry invited by bothering to go. There is still some doubt as to whether or not Bush got to every drill on time, or if he even bothered to show up at all for a year or two. Lucky for him CBS did a shit job of investigating the matter, using documents that were about as real as Lindsay Lohan's tan. In any case, who gives a fuck? America loves that Bush is a fuck off.
4. "Panic In the Skies, Again"
also known as: Arabs Discovered! On Airplane!
Earlier this year, "Women's Wall Street" published a piece by a writer named Annie Jacobsen, about an incident that occurred on a Northwest Airlines flight on June 29, 2004. In the article the writer frantically moans that she witnessed a dry run for a September 11th style attack! The proof? A group of really scary arab men walked around her plane a lot, passed around a McDonalds bag, and even went to the bathroom! Did I mention they were arabs? Mrs. Jacobsen then wanders off into a paranoid rant about how we need to racially profile all arabs from now on, so she can feel more comfortable when she goes off to visit Racistville, Bitchlahoma or wherever.
Naturally right-wing pundits were all over this story. How dare the airline allow 14 Arabs on a flight! Has everyone forgotten a little day we call "September the 11th?" Do they recall how gorgeous those two towers were? There will never be another pair of rectangles quite so majestic, etc etc. Soon enough the story was emailed around in condensed form, as a cautionary tale. Watch out motherfuckers! We're all gonna die!
Long story short, the story was bullshit. The flight was stopped and the A-Rabs were questioned briefly, but they were let free the same night. As it turns out the suspiciously terror-ish sons-of-bitches, were actually just a Syrian band. A band who played backup for Nour Mehana, owner of the moustache pictured below.
In an attempt to cover her ass, Annie Jacobsen published nine hundred follow-up articles. But even the sky marshalls on board have discredited her as a bit of a psycho.
3. People who "Don't Know Anything About Computers"
This isn't a news story per se, just something that pisses me off. I'm sick of motherfuckers calling me up with 100 bullshit computer questions. Just because I work with computers, doesn't mean I love fixing them for free. If you aren't smart enough to use a computer then don't use one. If you keep fucking up some task. like burning a CD or hooking up your digital camera, it's probably because you aren't meant to do that task. When you see a message like "Error at memory location 0xff12ac5409ed: Buffer Overrun", that's Jesus's way of telling you to just throw your computer in the garbage.
2. "Torture at Abu Ghraib Prison"
also known as: Fun-Loving Troops Blow Off Some Steam
Man, being a "the Troops" sure looks like a lot of fun. A little gay, but fun nonetheless. Abu Ghraib was, for all practical purposes, the end of the Iraq War. And we lost; put a fork in us, because we are done. Better luck next war! Those photos tore down the last remaining fake justification for the invasion.
Nope. Turns out we reopened those torture chambers, under new management. And it should be noted that the vast majority of the prisoners photographed were not bad ass terrorists, but common theives.
As shitty as the scandal was, the right wing media's response was worse. The immediate justification of torture by the right-wing punditocracy set a high septic-water mark that all shit journalism should strive for.
1. "George W. Bush Reelected President"
Also known as: "He Fucking Won?"
What can I say about this that hasn't already been said? Bullshit-Detection.com and humanity lost this round to bullshit and inhumanity. John Kerry fucked up big time, by overestimating the intelligence of the American people. John Kerry could not sum up his plan to run an entire fucking country in under 6 words, and he lost. I have to admit the Bush Plan: "Freedom 9-11 Al Qaeda Flip-Flop Terror!" made for a good sound bite, despite its substandard sentence construction. In an odd way I'm looking forward to the next four years, John Kerry would have probably spent the next term doing boring shit like building international alliances, or working on a lame health care plan. Bush will likely focus on fun stuff like destroying Social Security, spending tons of our money on the Defense Department's new Satellite Antimatter/Laser Forcefield project. Hell, if there is time, maybe we'll even get to blow up an all-new group of dark skinned people, like Aborigines.
It's a few days into a brand new year, and since I'm filled with Holiday cheer I am going to give the current slate of bullshit a rest. Obviously there is plenty of it out there; fake-ass stories about ten year old girls breaking open their piggy banks to help tsunami victims, Alberto Gonzales' Senate Confirmation Hearing, Democratic challenges to the Ohio voting scandals. But for now, I am going to take this opportunity to do what every other inspirationally bankrupt dickwad on the planet is doing, and make a top 10 list! Brian beat me to the punch this year, but the way I see it you are getting two great lists for the price of none! That's the way we roll down at BSD.
So without further ado, Franky Pelvis Presents: the Top Ten Shiterriffic News Turds of the Year!
10. "Scott Peterson Sentenced to Death"
By including this in my top ten, I feel guilty for wasting more of your time and my bandwidth with this feeble shit pebble of a story. For some reason, America decided that this one single murder deserved more coverage than the other 16,000 murders that occurred in 2004 combined. Basically, a guy who sells animal shit for a living killed his pregnant wife and threw her in the San Francisco Bay. Oh, also, he was having an affair with some skank. That's it, I swear on a stack of bibles, that that's the whole story. It might be enough material for a 90 minute TV movie starring Tori Spelling. Instead it became the killing sensation that swept the nation. CNN, Fox and MSNBC devoted a total of 96,000 hours to "legal experts" commenting on every conceivable angle of the case. It was like the movie JFK except 3000 times longer. Congress even passed "Laci and Connor's Law" which made killing a pregnant woman an actual crime, instead of just lousy manners. As a story, it doesn't deserve to be in my top 500. But as a maelstrom of media manufactured manure, it makes the cut.
9. "Terror Alert Raised to Orange"
also known as: "We are All Going to DIIIIIIIE!"
While the actual color of the Terror Alert-o-Matic© in 2004 was slightly less erratic than it was in 2003, the Department of Homeland Security Issued endless "Terror Advisories" throughout the year. In a series of uncanny coincidences and hilarious misunderstandings every single one of them seemed to coincide with high points of hijinks during John Kerry's campaign, such as his selection of hunky Senator John Edwards as VP, and the Democratic National Convention. Tom Ridge also made sure to warn people in "urban areas" to be real careful on Nov 2 of potential terrorist attacks. In fact the closer we came to the election the more specific terror alerts became. An example:
Dept. of Homeland Security
October 30, 2004 - The United States government has raised the threat level for people named Leroy, Reggie, Shaniqua, Rufus, Sharryl, Denzel, and Tyrese. Now Boy Imma' say this slow, so you had better listen and listen good, If you know what's good for ya, you'll stay home for a few weeks and avoid some major terror. Ya Hear?
8. "Handover of Iraqi Sovereignty, Ahead of Schedule"
also know as: "Surprise! You're Free!"
After boasting for months to whoever would listen, that Iraq was going to be a FreeTM Nation as of June 30th, the US decided to Punk the whole world by doing it two days early. Aw snap! You got me dawg! How did that happen? I guess someone fucked up setting up the "Nation Builder" template in Microsoft Project. Unfortunately, L. Paul Bremer, the interim leader on Iraq at the time, didn't get to join in on the festivities. He caught the first plane back to the United States faster than Paris Hilton catches STDs.
7. "Janet Jackson's 'Wardrobe Malfunction'"
also know as: "Black Tit Destroys Planet"
A fucking tit. A mocha flavored rapidly deteriorating booby with a fucked up silver doodad on it is the biggest threat to the children of America? We are borrowing up a national debt that will make our children the metaphorical Han Solo to China's Jabba the Hutt. We are starting multiple wars with people who hold grudges for 6000 years. We are shoveling Big Macs into children's arteries that will give them their first heart attack at age 11. It's time for America to face the fact that we don't give a rats ass about "The Children." Hell, we like The Children even less than we like The Troops. At least The Troops don't shit their pants and can follow an order the first time it's given.
Somehow with all the bullshit on TV the worst thing we've ever seen is 1/40th of a second of African-American nipple? We have no complaints when children watch idiots eat rat stew for fabulous cash and prizes. It's A-Ok to show kids that Plastic Surgery is the key to happiness. We give television specials and lucrative recording contracts to talentless twats like Ashlee Simpson and Kelly Clarkson(the aural equivalent of Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin). Parents, despite your frantic email petitions to the FCC, your sons and daughters are going to be turning tricks for crack by age 14. Leave the Jackson Family out of it.
6. "Tons of Iraq Explosives Missing"
One week before the Presidential Election, CBS News and the New York Times reported that around 380 tons of explosives disappeared from the Al Qaqaa weapons depot during the invasion of Iraq. 380 tons! That's like 2000 Chris Farleys composed entirely of highly explosive compounds. Just imagine the unprecedented destructive potential for a moment: One Chris Farley composed of flesh, blood, cocaine and pork rinds was explosive enough to destroy a hotel room. I don't know how many of those explosives were used to blow up civilians or soldiers, but I do know the last thing Iraq needs is more explosions. There are too many Ex-Plosions already, Iraq is nearly out of Plosions as it is.
5. "Was Bush AWOL / Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth""
also known as: Apocalypse Then
In August of 2003 both presidential candidates finally shifted their attention to the War. Unfortunately "The War" they focused on happened 35 years ago. The Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth" contended that Kerry didn't earn a single one of his medals, and that he lied to the Senate about Vietnam War atrocities. To hear them tell it, no atrocites occured during Vietnam, except when John Kerry was around. I guess Kerry planned the My Lai Massacre and personally dropped 4 million tons of Agent Orange on the Vietnamese people. A few problems, some Swift Boat Veterans had praised Kerry's service in the past, and the group has numerous legal and financial ties to the Bush-Chaney campaign. Additionally every atrocity Kerry detailed has been documented in Us Military Archives.
To be fair, though I believe their charges against Kerry to be about 93% bullshit, I will agree with the Swift Vets that campaigning almost exclusively on a 5 month tour of duty in a wildly unpopular war was pretty goddamn weak.
The smart thing to do during Vietnam turned out to be to just stay home and fuck around. Bush got into the Air National Guard, thus avoiding both the war, and the kind of drama that Kerry invited by bothering to go. There is still some doubt as to whether or not Bush got to every drill on time, or if he even bothered to show up at all for a year or two. Lucky for him CBS did a shit job of investigating the matter, using documents that were about as real as Lindsay Lohan's tan. In any case, who gives a fuck? America loves that Bush is a fuck off.
4. "Panic In the Skies, Again"
also known as: Arabs Discovered! On Airplane!
Earlier this year, "Women's Wall Street" published a piece by a writer named Annie Jacobsen, about an incident that occurred on a Northwest Airlines flight on June 29, 2004. In the article the writer frantically moans that she witnessed a dry run for a September 11th style attack! The proof? A group of really scary arab men walked around her plane a lot, passed around a McDonalds bag, and even went to the bathroom! Did I mention they were arabs? Mrs. Jacobsen then wanders off into a paranoid rant about how we need to racially profile all arabs from now on, so she can feel more comfortable when she goes off to visit Racistville, Bitchlahoma or wherever.
Naturally right-wing pundits were all over this story. How dare the airline allow 14 Arabs on a flight! Has everyone forgotten a little day we call "September the 11th?" Do they recall how gorgeous those two towers were? There will never be another pair of rectangles quite so majestic, etc etc. Soon enough the story was emailed around in condensed form, as a cautionary tale. Watch out motherfuckers! We're all gonna die!
Long story short, the story was bullshit. The flight was stopped and the A-Rabs were questioned briefly, but they were let free the same night. As it turns out the suspiciously terror-ish sons-of-bitches, were actually just a Syrian band. A band who played backup for Nour Mehana, owner of the moustache pictured below.
In an attempt to cover her ass, Annie Jacobsen published nine hundred follow-up articles. But even the sky marshalls on board have discredited her as a bit of a psycho.
"The lady was overreacting," said the source. "A flight attendant was told to tell the passenger to calm down; that there were air marshals on the plane."
[...]
Air marshals' only tactical advantage on a flight is their anonymity, the source said, and Jacobsen could have put the entire flight in danger.
3. People who "Don't Know Anything About Computers"
This isn't a news story per se, just something that pisses me off. I'm sick of motherfuckers calling me up with 100 bullshit computer questions. Just because I work with computers, doesn't mean I love fixing them for free. If you aren't smart enough to use a computer then don't use one. If you keep fucking up some task. like burning a CD or hooking up your digital camera, it's probably because you aren't meant to do that task. When you see a message like "Error at memory location 0xff12ac5409ed: Buffer Overrun", that's Jesus's way of telling you to just throw your computer in the garbage.
2. "Torture at Abu Ghraib Prison"
also known as: Fun-Loving Troops Blow Off Some Steam
Man, being a "the Troops" sure looks like a lot of fun. A little gay, but fun nonetheless. Abu Ghraib was, for all practical purposes, the end of the Iraq War. And we lost; put a fork in us, because we are done. Better luck next war! Those photos tore down the last remaining fake justification for the invasion.
- Saddam has weapons of Mass Destruction
- Iraq is totally B.F.F.(Best Friends Forever) with Al Qaeda
- LOL! U GUUUUYZ!!1 At least we shut down those torture chambers
Nope. Turns out we reopened those torture chambers, under new management. And it should be noted that the vast majority of the prisoners photographed were not bad ass terrorists, but common theives.
As shitty as the scandal was, the right wing media's response was worse. The immediate justification of torture by the right-wing punditocracy set a high septic-water mark that all shit journalism should strive for.
John Derbyshire:I think it's pretty cool that the problem is not that we are torturing people, but that liberal traitors are reporting it. And while folks like me are being blamed for "giving ammunition to our enemies" the troops themselves gave actual fucking ammunition to our enemies at Al Qaqaa and elsewhere. At least the ammunition I gave them was metaphorical. None of my editorials are likely to blow up a Mess Tent, or a Humvee.
The Abu Ghraib "scandal": Good. Kick one for me. But bad discipline in the military (taking the pictures, I mean). Let's have a couple of courts martial for appearance's sake. Maximum sentence: 30 days
Rush Limbaugh:
I'm talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You ever heard of need to blow some steam off?
Oliver North:
those politicians and those people in the media who keep this story alive as though it were some horrific crime -- it was a crime, but it's not horrific -- they keep it alive, they give ammunition to our enemies
1. "George W. Bush Reelected President"
Also known as: "He Fucking Won?"
What can I say about this that hasn't already been said? Bullshit-Detection.com and humanity lost this round to bullshit and inhumanity. John Kerry fucked up big time, by overestimating the intelligence of the American people. John Kerry could not sum up his plan to run an entire fucking country in under 6 words, and he lost. I have to admit the Bush Plan: "Freedom 9-11 Al Qaeda Flip-Flop Terror!" made for a good sound bite, despite its substandard sentence construction. In an odd way I'm looking forward to the next four years, John Kerry would have probably spent the next term doing boring shit like building international alliances, or working on a lame health care plan. Bush will likely focus on fun stuff like destroying Social Security, spending tons of our money on the Defense Department's new Satellite Antimatter/Laser Forcefield project. Hell, if there is time, maybe we'll even get to blow up an all-new group of dark skinned people, like Aborigines.
