So shooting people is a chore now?

Apparently pussies around the world are pissed off that a US Marine General spoke honestly about the awesomeness of shooting motherfuckers up.

Washington - The commandant of the marine corps said on Thursday he has counselled a senior subordinate for saying publicly, "It's fun to shoot some people."

Lieutenant General James N. Mattis, an infantry officer who has commanded marines in both Afghanistan and Iraq, made the comments on Tuesday while speaking to a forum in San Diego about strategies for the war on terror. Mattis is the commanding general of the Marine Corps Combat Development Command.

According to an audio recording of Mattis' remarks, he said, "Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight. You know, it's a hell of a hoot. ... It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right upfront with you, I like brawling."

He added, "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil," Mattis continued. "You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."

Call me crazy, but I don't see anything wrong with the General's comments. The only way I would feel comfortable criticizing him, would be if I could objectively prove him wrong. Since I've never shot me up any Arabs(or anyone else for that matter), I can't say for certain that it isn't "a hoot". I would guess that the vast majority of the people taking offence have never had the occasion to shoot some human beings full of holes, and are unquailified to comment on their veracity of the statements.

I guess I just don't get people. Regardless of our political affiliation, we all say we "support the troops", but once they begin to enjoy their job, we immediately turn on them. What do we expect the troops to do? Nobody wants to be in Afghanistan or Iraq. It's hot, it's dry, sand gets in your shoes and hair, there's no HBO, and all of the women look like tents. Are we going to now require soldiers to dislike guns? If they hated shooting people, they would definitely be in the wrong line of work. Maybe we are all miserable at our own jobs, and don't feel they should be any different.

The outrage at these remarks rings hollow to me. Each and every one of us loves to see fellas get filled full of lead. We were all excited to see Michael Corleone shoot that smug fat cop in the throat in The Godfather. And who among us didn't stand up and cheer when Liam Neeson gunned down half of the German Army in Schindler's List?

Hell, I don't even know what the thing pictured below is called, but I'll readily admit that it looks like a lot more fun than the Dell Optiplex GX I have on my desk at work.


General Mattis sounds like my kind of guy, he's says exactly what he means. He doesn't fuck up the english language with terms like "Collateral Damage", "Hostile Units", or phrases like "Successfully Cleared Enemy Positions". He talks about what really happens in a war, One group of Human Beings shoots up another. If they are gonna do it one way or another, why can't they have a smile on their face?

Earth to Dipshits, If you Boycott an Election, You Can't Bitch About the Outcome

Before I get to the main story, I would like to offer a mea culpa of sorts. I apologize for suggesting that the elections in Iraq wouldn't be awesome. It turns out, according to the media, that they were the best elections ever. I am a mere bullshit detective, I'm not a clairvoyant. I looked at all the factors, I saw Sunnis pissed off, Al Sadr pissed off, al Qaeda pissed off, The Troops looking none too happy, 40 percent or more of the population in "unsafe" districts, and I predicted a battle royale.

As it turns out, Al Qaeda only set off about 9 suicide bombs, and only managed to kill 35 people or so. Now in America if the Trenchcoat Mafia managed to kill 35 people at Columbine High, we wouldn't be allowed to listen to Marilyn Manson, or play violent video games anymore. But I am also aware of the fact the entire country of Iraq is already a violent video game. And in that context Al Qaeda did a piss poor job of being terrifying.

I also gotta give it up for the people of Iraq. I don't know if I'd risk being suicide bombed to pull the lever for John Kerry. I like liberal senators from Massachusetts as much as the next Pro-Anal Sex Hollywood Abortion Doctor, but I'm not sure if I'd risk vaporization for one. And it is for those ballsy motherfuckers that I call bullshit on this story:

Iraqi Sunni Clerics: Election Lacked Legitimacy

Iraqis defied militants' threats and flocked to the polls on Sunday in the Shi'ite south and Kurdish north, but many in the central Sunni Arab heartland -- where the 22-month-old anti-American insurgency is strongest -- stayed home.

While the Bush administration insisted the election was conducted fairly and world leaders heaped praise on Iraqi voters, Iraq's Muslim Clerics' Association railed against the country's first multi-party ballot in half a century.

"These elections lack legitimacy because a large segment of different sects, parties and currents ... boycotted," the Sunni religious group said in a statement as the vote count proceeded.

I hate to burst your bubble, Sunnis, but if you don't vote in an election, you kinda lose the right to bitch about it. About 100 million Americans "boycott" our elections every four years, because the don't want to miss any of the Dukes of Hazzard marathon on TBS. I'm not saying elections always turn out the way you want even if you do vote, as non-President Kerry can attest. I'm just saying you can't have it both ways. When Rosa Parks boycotted the bus system in Montgomery, Alabama she didn't complain about how hard it suddenly was to get across town. Furthermore, Sunnis have been running Iraq since about 1968, and they did a pretty fucking lousy job of it. I'm somehow finding it tough to feel bad about their lack of representation. Then again, I'm sure they have some legitimate gripes, the new government is sure to be a bunch of whimpering puppets who lack even the power to take a piss without an American Soldier there to hold their dicks. But I'm trying not to be such a pessimist.

Now I know some Sunni Muslim asshole is gonna send me an email like "Al-LOL IT WASNT SAFE 2 VOTE! Al-LOL, BLAH BLAH BLAH AL QAEDA THREATS." Whatever. Al Qaeda now seem about as tough as Steve Urkel from Family Matters. Al Qaeda actually fucked up disrupting an election in Iraq, a country that's about as stable as Mariah Carey. Now every story ends with "despite Al Qaeda threats." Every story is like "Millions of Iraqis Vote Despite Threats of Attack", "Iraq Vote Count Proceeds Despite Al Qaeda Threats", "Franky Pelvis Surfs Web Looking For Porn Despite Al Qaeda Threats." It seems that every action besides praying to Allah, and forcing women to wear burkas provokes Al Qaeda threats. I've been safely ignoring Al Qaeda threats since September 12th 2001, with no ill effects.

I think "wrong" is fast becoming like the appendix or the tailbone.

Franky Pelvis: in your face liberal! yeah Iraq is free!
Brian Lord: so that's it? Iraq is awesome now?
Brian Lord: that great!
Brian Lord: my vacation is planned!
Franky Pelvis: dude it's like the bahamas now
Brian Lord: bomb, hamas?
Brian Lord: oh, Bah! Hamas!
Franky Pelvis: get a beach house while the gettings good. according to the maps i've seen theres only one beach in Iraq: http://www.lewrockwell.com/wall/iraq-map.jpg
Franky Pelvis: and watch out for those big ass flags.
Brian Lord: is that how the terrain looks? are there naturally forming flags on the landscape?
Franky Pelvis: nah that's man made. 9 billion in lost funds buys a lot of paint.
Brian Lord: "Baghdad Mayor: Erect Statue for President Bush..."

Uh, didn't the mayor of baghdad get butchered in the street recently?
Brian Lord: "Suicide bombs and mortars killed at least 27 people, but voters still came out in force for the first multi-party poll in 50 years."
Brian Lord: Oh it WAS a good day, my bad.
Franky Pelvis: yeah! It was his final words! "it's cold s-so ccc-old. Tell my wife and children I.... love ...them.... Oh and I want you to put up a big erect statue of George Bush!"
Brian Lord: hahaha
Franky Pelvis: 27 iraqis == Petra Nemkova stubs her toe
Brian Lord: In the new Constitution, an Iraqi is considered 3/5ths of a broken pelvis.
Franky Pelvis: hahha
Brian Lord: "Samir Hassan, 32, who lost his leg in a car bomb blast in October, was determined to vote. "I would have crawled here if I had to. I don't want terrorists to kill other Iraqis like they tried to kill me. Today I am voting for peace," he said, leaning on his metal crutches, determination in his reddened eyes."

Who wrote this article, Danielle Steele?
Franky Pelvis: hhaha
Brian Lord: "I congratulate all Iraqis on their newfound freedom and democracy," said Jaida Hamza, dressed in a black Islamic veil that also hid her face.

How does "freedom and democracy" jive with "a black Islamic veil that also hid her face"?
Brian Lord: I'm sensing a lot of bullshit in these "glorious" articles...
Franky Pelvis: me too, though i'm sensing some bullshit from the knee-jerk liberal mofos
Brian Lord: So basically instead of invading Iraq we shoulda just had an election that first day of the war...
Franky Pelvis: there is this fucked-up site where The Troops make fun of pictures of dead people....
Brian Lord: every site on the internet is basically a The Troops making fun of the dead.
Franky Pelvis: The Troops do a decent job with some tough material.
Brian Lord: Oh so The Troops are providing those captions? It ain't quite the level of FHM magazine or Maxim but they're OK.
Franky Pelvis: i'm not sure really. all the pictures are allegedly taken by a The Troops
Franky Pelvis: http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,120658 54%255E401,00.html
Brian Lord: I thought it was going to be picture of The Troops holding pictures of dead Iraqis. And pointing. And putting the photos in a sort of human pyramid.
Franky Pelvis: haha
Franky Pelvis: the troops need to leave comedy to guys like me.
Brian Lord: Yeah! You killed them tonight! Yeah, I was pretty good tonight a-hehehehe.
Brian Lord: (That's my Eddie Murphy laugh.)
Franky Pelvis: hhehe
Franky Pelvis: y'know how everyone wants to bring the troops home.... I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Franky Pelvis: I think we might have found the perfect country for those sick motherfuckers.
Brian Lord: haha. Keep yo peanut butter over in their chocolate please...
Franky Pelvis: is that wrong? I can't tell the difference anymore.
Brian Lord: I think "wrong" is fast becoming like the appendix or the tailbone.
Franky Pelvis: The troops seem to be having a good time over there.
Brian Lord: Your concept of "wrong" has become "vestigial."
Franky Pelvis: hehe
Brian Lord: Right. The lower their morals gets the higher their morale seems to get.
Brian Lord: "Morale" and "morals" seem to have an inverse relationship.
Franky Pelvis: do we want 150,000 homicidal maniacs back? Can Iraq keep them?
Brian Lord: The difference between a vowel and a consonant is a bigger deal in Iraq than it is on "Wheel of Fortune."
Franky Pelvis: ha
Brian Lord: Are all the soldiers over their homicidal? Even the chefs and the soldiers peeling potatos?
Franky Pelvis: yeah, they peel the potatoes with sharpened pelvis bones. It's fucked up, it's like Apocalypse Now, Now.
Brian Lord: Being free sure is expensive.
Franky Pelvis: I hate to ask after the election but... who the fuck was running?
Brian Lord: Running? From bullets? Or for office? Ahh what's the difference?
Brian Lord: http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40777000/jpg/_40777681_falluja2 03iap.jpg

Are these people a) in a concentration camp or b) free iraqis voting in their election?
Franky Pelvis: maybe they are lining up for the premire of Pamala Anderson's Barb wire II?
Brian Lord: Yeah, great marketing idea...
Franky Pelvis: I sort of want to go back to not giving a shit about elections in other countries.

No, I'm smart; it's my TITS that are stupid.

Poor Tara Reid. People aren't giving her enough credit. I mean, sure she's paid millions of dollars to work a few months a year, even though she's an untrained, untalented hack with a voice so raspy, CeCe Deville is sending her lozenges. But that big bad press, without which she'd be starring in straight-to-DVD(A) porn flicks, can be so cruel! They're constantly exposing her drunken escapades and snapping her photo instead of politely pointing out that her glutenous plastic boob is completely exposed.

And so hold your breath, friends, as a deluded (coke-addled?) manager atttempts the extremest of image makeovers, landing Tara a role as "a young genius anthropologist with an incredible memory" in the upcoming Alone in the Dark.

HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

I saw Tara trying to explain to Late Late Show's Craig Ferguson exactly what an anthropologist is and I'm paraphrasing, but it went something like this:

"Um they like are people who like know about other people, like the Mayans, but like not just the Mayans, like the ones in this movie are made up, but like they know a lot about what they used to do and how they lived and stuff..."

I wish I could find a transcript of that show because her actual answer was dumber than I could make up.

But, listen: I'm being cruel. Sometimes smart people do stupid things and it gets blown out of proportion when you are famous, which is unfair.

Remember when Marie Curie was accepting that one award, and at the ceremony her vagina fell completely out of her gown and she didn't even notice for like 10 minutes?

Remember when Susan B. Anthony was partying with Paris Hilton, sucked 35 consecutive shots off of Nick Carter's ass, and ended up in a catfight with Shannen Doherty outside the Viper Room?

Remember when Eleanor Roosevelt got engaged to Carson Daly?

Remember when Germaine Greer starred in My Bosses Daughter?