Every Time I Eat Vegetables it Makes Me Think of Terri Schiavo

Unlike Terri Schiavo, I've been following recent developments in the Terri Schiavo case. She's the braindead woman that is being fought over by every lawyer in America. Terri had a heart attack in 1990 and hasn't shown any significant brain activity since then. Her husband claims she clearly expressed a desire to not be resuscitated in such a circumstance many times. Her mother and father disagree with that notion and have been fighting to keep her "alive". Her husband finally legally got his chance to off her by removing her feeding tube today but is now being cock blocked by Republican leaders in the House and Senate.

House of Representatives leaders issued subpoenas for Schiavo while the Senate called her as a witness to congressional hearings to stave off the removal of her feeding tube, scheduled for 1 p.m.

Both the House and Senate also summoned her husband, Michael, who contends she would not have wanted to be kept alive in what court-appointed doctors describe as a persistent vegetative state.

"The Senate and the House remain dedicated to saving Terri Schiavo's life. While discussions over possible legislative remedies continue, the Senate and the House are taking action to keep her alive in the interim," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, a Tennessee Republican.

I can't imagine what having her "testify" before congress will accomplish. Do they think she's going to give a stirring dissertation about her exciting decade and a half spent strapped to a gurney staring into space? I imagine the testimony going something like this:

Senator William Frist: Good Afternoon Mrs. Schiavo I would like to extend the gratitude of the Senate of these Great United States, for you taking time out of your busy schedule to come talk to us.
Terri Schiavo:
Frist: Please state for the record your name and place of residence.
Terri Schiavo:

Apparently this woman, who has basically been dead for 15 years, is the most important person alive; judging by the extreme lengths people are going to in order to "save" her. I wish people worked this hard to keep Iraqi citizens alive. Why is it that the same people that are so cavalier and insensitive about blowing up Arabs, and putting Young Brothers up on Death Row, fight tooth and nail to keep a dead person from figuring out that she's dead? For all intents and purposes she ceased all cognitive activity in 1990.

Fifteen years ago, she stopped breathing temporarily because of a chemical imbalance brought on by an eating disorder. Starved of oxygen, her brain suffered massive damage. She can breathe on her own but cannot speak or eat.

"She has a destroyed cerebral cortex, the part of the brain with which one is a person and with which one feels," Dr. Walter Bradley, chairman of the neurology department at the University of Miami's school of medicine, said in an interview Thursday.

Deprived of nutrition and hydration, Bradley said, Schiavo likely would die of heart failure in five to 10 days.

In the past few weeks there have been about 10 conflicting court orders saying alternatively to keep or remove the tube. Fifteen years ago she had a heart attack caused by an eating disorder. Now her problems stem from an eating order. And it's not just the courts; everyone is in on this game. All over the internet there are websites pleading to keep her alive, or end her suffering. I'm not about to be left out of the fun, I'm calling my bookie for the over/under on her life expectancy. And what the fuck is up with Congress suddenly working frantically to do anything? How do the same assholes who took 203 years to pass a single amendment manage to work so quickly to keep squeezing food down this veggie's feed hole. It's quite possible that Terri Schiavo is the only person in America who doesn't give a shit what happens to Terri Schiavo.

On the other hand I don't get the "kill the bitch now" movement either. Everyone seems to be in a big fucking hurry to cap her ass. I don't understand the urgency. I think it'd be interesting to see how long she can keep this up. Being alive 15 years after you died is a pretty impressive achievement. Even Tupac eventually died after releasing 20 "final" albums and movies. And we have no guarantee that removing the tube will have any effect whatsoever. Terri Schiavo may be completely unkillable like the Terminator, or Freddy Krueger. This thing could easily spiral out of control, and now that the courts are involved, I fear we'll start seeing headlines like: JUDGE ORDERS SCHIAVO TO BE SHOT OUT OF CANNON, SHREDDED BY HELICOPTER ROTORS, EATEN BY WILD DOGS.

Half

OK, let me get this off my chest real quick before my own life intrudes upon my life and I have to go and do something.

A) Drillin' In Alaska

I read an article today about the town in Alaska that will be most affected by yesterday's vote in the Senate that allows for drilling in the frozen tundra of Alaska's tundra. The people of the town were talking about cemetaries that may be affected, the town's drinking water, things that are of importance to human beings. Maybe they're a bunch of man-marrying fags, but people DO like to take care of their dead and they do like drinking water to be drinkable.

The Senate was all for it and the Alaskan politicians in the article were also very pleased. The people of the town were less enthused. My feeling while reading the article is that People need to ignore their civic leaders and become leaders for themselves. This representative democracy bullshit is obviously out of touch with the people, so just side-step it. Everybody's self-defense mechanisms need to man their battle stations, and the people should put up a fight. Very simply, don't allow all that heavy machinery into your town. Lay down in front of the backloaders, aim your rifles at the dumptrucks, whatever you drill for oil with. This is exactly why people should have guns. To defend themselves from invaders. I know Ruby Ridge didn't go so well for the people on the losing end of things, but it seems like the decision about drilling in Alaska could be made real easy by the people who live there if they had some backbone and some guns.

The government is like some screwed up Co-op Board that gets to make decisions about your property. You have possesion, but you don't have decision making abilities. If I don't want someone digging holes in my backyard on my property I'm not gonna ask my co-op board if I can make them stop. I'd get all Tiananmen Square on their ass and stand in front of some tanks. People's sense of self-defense needs a shot in the ass. To replace all the bullshit that's currently lodged in there.

2) The Olympics in NYC
Dear people in charge of booking the 2012 Olympics,
Please don't let the Olympics happen here in New York City. We, the people, don't want it. There's nothing in it for us. No thank you.

The rich people here think life is a giant chess board and they can move and manipulate and bend things according to what they want. Of course they think that, that's usually what happens. They build their little stadiums and we have to deal with the bullshit that comes along with it. Well, in as loud a voice as is possible I say "fuck that proverbial noise!"

Back in September they had the Republican National Convention here and it was as good an indication as anything that what's good for THEM isn't so good for US. The police state this place became was unpleasant, however temporary it may have been. You couldn't walk where you needed to walk, people got arrested for walking while black, and the constant nonsense about terrorist dropping from the skies was annoying. If this is a preview for how the Olympics are gonna be, y'all showed your hand too early and hopefully you blew your chances.

The Olympics would be way worse. Just cause some rich people want them here doesn't mean the other 99% of us do. All that BS about $$ is nonsense too. My band isn't gonna make any more money than it does now just because the Olympics are in town. To the rich people trying to bend the universe to their will, I say "fuck off." To their 23 year old trophy wives I say "hello little kitty kat, how's about you and I go to the Marz Bar tonight and drink a little PBR on the rocks? Mee-yow."

Are You Ready for Some Bullshit?

I bet you motherfuckers thought I left the game; That the world was once again safe for bullshit. Yeah right. I'm back from the dead to fuck with your head. Expect some new articles this week. In a related story, I'm looking for new ideas/contributions. If you locate some unbelievably stinky bullshit that simply can not be left to fester, please send it to me at stories@bullshit-detection.com. For any and all other comments email me at franky@bullshit-detection.com send all hate mail to have_a_coke_and_@_smile_and_shut_the_fuck_up.com.