I Think I'm Smarter Than the USDA

"USDA Fails To Figure Out Why Tiger Attacked Illusionist Roy Horn"

It was a FUCKING TIGER! Case closed.

The Iraqi Soldier Is The Superior Athlete

I saw another one of those darned magnets, made in Taiwan, that say "Support Dem troops" and it got me thinking, "you know what, I don't want to support the troops. They get more support than a pair of breasts in a Wonderbra." I realized that I've always rooted for the underdog in any situation and I'm not gonna stop that now. The troops are by no means the underdog so they don't need my help. Their military budget seems to double every year so they're gonna do just fine. And the tyranny of public opinion isn't gonna sway me either. No magnet can change this mind of mine. I don't root for the Yankees, and I don't root for the yankees. I grew up on the Karate Kid, Star Wars, and Stephen Hawkings. I came to understand you gotta root for the little guy. I'm not gonna change that now.

Then I got to realizing that you have to realize The Troops are losing this war. Oh they're not losing, they have a $_00,000,000,000 budget so of course they're not gonna lose. If I was Jimmy The Greek I would have set the odds in their favor. But let's face it, the Iraqis have beat the spread. The Iraqis aren't winning the war, but they beat the spread. Anybody who put money on them would be rich right now. You don't have to beat Mike Tyson to win, you just have to stay in the ring for enough rounds. The fact that Iraq has a military budget of $0.25 and yet has still stayed in the game is the way to do it. They're like the US Hockey team in 1980. They're like Rocky in Rocky IV. The Iraqi are more American than America. We got Magic, Bird, Jordan AND Shaq and we're only winning 86-85?

And how come the Generals in charge of this war on the US side are still in charge? They're doing a shitty job. If they were the head coach of a large athletic sports team, they'd be fired by Steinbrenner a long time ago. All this talk of "be patient" and "next year is gonna be our year" and "come on, let's take a shower together" is not the way our military leaders ought to be talking. If I was a fan of US military might, I'd feel really scammed now. The Yankees sound like the Red Sox of the prior 86 years, metaphorically speaking. I hope the fans start speaking out. If you're gonna do this badly against Iraq, how are you gonna fair against China? Our Dream Team is getting trounced.