The Worlds Greatest Bullshit Detective

Pet Peeves: Comparisons

2008-05-21T15:46:00.003-04:00

Ezra Klein and Matthew Yglesias, who are pretty sharp as far as pundits go, asking the burning question on everyones' minds:

"Matt[Yglesias] wonders whether Obama is a new Jimmy Carter or a new Ronald Reagan. I think that's actually the wrong comparison to fear: The question is whether he's a new first term Bill Clinton."

I think an EVER BETTER question is whether Obama is an 8th term James Polk or a negative 3rd term Chester A Arthur! And does that make McCain a 21st century Rutherford B. Hayes or a 20,000 BC Millard Fillmore?

Now when do I get my TEN THOUSAND internet smarty pants dollars?

Why is there this need among even talented pundits to frame absolutely everything in terms of either 20th century events that happened as they were growing up, or even worse World War II( see: President Bush declaring that speaking to Iran is exactly the same as British PM Chamberlain giving the Sudetenland to Hitler!!!!???!?)

Is it remotely possible that someone or something can just be what it is and not just another shitty remake?

Unfortunately, Liberals Can Be Just As Retarded as Conservatives

2007-06-21T12:33:00.000-04:00

It's so fucking disheartening to see someone with "Democratic values" make such a big deal about a nonissue. Like in the case of this review of Knocked Up:

"Knocked Up" is a movie that is about a woman who gets drunk and who gets an unwanted pregnancy as a result -- except that all mentions of abortion were completely cut from the film. All it does is create a right-wing fantasy world in which the Perfect Little Angel is supposed to straighten out the Village Bum and everyone is supposed to live happily ever after...

If you watch it, don't watch it as any kind of a realistic portrayal of what women go through in a world in which forced pregnancy is the law of the land. Instead, watch it as a reflection of what the right wing agenda is and what they want unwanted pregnancies to be about in this country.

Or, maybe watch it as a comedy about a woman who made a choice to have a baby out of wedlock.

First of all, I'm by no means pro-life. In fact, I'd say I'm the most pro-choice person you'll ever meet. Speaking for myself, personally, I'm like 100% pro-abortion, even. I've had two of them, and have worked hard to prevent the need for a third, but if I did get pregnant, I'd terminate the shit out of that pregnancy. So I hope that by defending this "right-wing fantasy flick" I won't be accused of oppressing women.

But you know what? If you are looking to a Hollywood comedy to get ideas on how you should live your life, then I hope you do get an abortion. Lots of abortions.

The thing about being pro-choice isn't that you think everyone in the world should get an abortion. Even when it makes total sense to you and everyone around you, the idea is that it's the woman's choice. That's why we call it pro-choice, not pro-bobo. Choice implies we don't get to impose our will on others, just as we wouldn't want others' wills imposed upon us.

The character in Knocked Up chose to have a baby. Nobody fucking forced her to do anything. Not the father, not her parents, not the law. She had no pressure from friends or coworkers -- even her boss was supportive.

And there was talk of abortion. I distinctly remember Jonah Hill strongly urging the father to convince her to get a "Schmaschmortion." I remember it because it was one of the funniest lines in the movie. And it made me laugh. Like a comedy should. It didn't make me think, "Abortion is ugly. Maybe I could have the baby." Because I'm not a fucking moron, easily swayed by what happens in movies. If I was, I'd still be searching Chinatown for a shop that sells Mogwai, or figuring out how to build a flux capacitor.

Is the film a realistic portrayal of what a woman goes through when faced with an unwanted pregnancy? Not for me. Not for a lot of women I know. Not for teen girls or many single career-minded young women. But it may ring true to some women. Women who never thought they'd be a parent, especially under such bizarre and difficult circumstances, think differently when faced with this decision. Who the fuck knows, or cares?

Fucking pick your battles, people. Laugh at the funny movie and then discuss reality with your daughters and nieces [and sons and nephews] and help prevent them from ever having to make this decision in the first place. Stop making liberals look just as fucking batshit crazy as some conservatives.

1st Anniversary Bullshit-Detection.com

2005-10-17T09:41:00.000-04:00

Bullshit-Detection.com is one year old today. I think this grand milestone is a good time to talk about the future of this site. I created bullshit-detection.com as a response to all of the spinning and counter-spinning going on throughout the 2004 presidential elections. It seemed everyday there was a volley of shit from the Bush Administration, and a complacent media more than willing to amplify that same bullshit, for free.

Whether the message was "There are weapons of Mass Destruction in areas North, South, East and West of Baghdad" or "Freedom is on the March" or "Freedom is on the March" or "Freedom is on the March," Any message from the White House, even the most banal repetition of year old cliches, would receive an immediate "Ditto!" from the pampered lazy press. It made me mad as hell, as well as rather unlikely and unwilling to take it any more.

When the shit settled the Karl Rove & Co. managed to convince %50.73 percent of the nation into (re-)electing President George "I own a lumber company?" Bush. And while that travesty kept me fired up for about six months, soon thereafter my outrage trickled, and I stopped posting with any kind of regularity.

The main reason for the slowdown is as follows: It was getting tedious. We all have to suffer through another three years with Mr. Furley from Three Company running the free world. It seemed almost cruel to remind people on a daily basis that they're completely fucked. Especially considering that we are almost powerless to stop him. We all got outsmarted by the guy we thought was the biggest dope on the planet. What does that make us? The best solution I can offer y'all is not to vote for any politician who supported Bush's many blunders. That cuts out the entire Republican Congress and about 1/2 of the Democrats too. When the choice is between someone like Hillary Clinton who capitulates to Bush on things like the Iraq War and the Patriot Act and someone like Russ Feingold who doesn't, give your support to the person who stands for something, not the person "more likely to win." Because If you can't stand up for what's right, you aren't likely to win anything but an ass kissing contest.

Is there a future for this website? I'm glad you asked, because I'm going to answer( See how I did that? I learned from Donald Rumsfeld to ask myself the question I want to answer, it makes press conferences all the more efficient). Yes, there is. But I'm going to back off on the political "Gotcha!" game. If that's your thing look at atrios on the left or instapundit on the right for endless links to people who share the same opinions as those authors. What I plan to offer here is an occasional essay that cuts through the partisan spin and pundit-driven groupthink that has driven political coverage of late. Developing....

A Chronology of the Ass Blowing Bureaucracy of the DMV

2005-09-20T17:44:00.000-04:00

I know. It's lame to complain about the DMV. We've all experienced the general lack of service, care, and imagination it suffers. But the past eight weeks for me has been a journey so wrought with pain, abuse, and suffocating red tape that it should be required reading for anyone considering becoming a licensed driver. Don't let The Coreys fool you: a License to Drive isn't the thrill ride it appears to be.

Let's start at the beginning.

Fall 2002. I leave the Mercury lounge in NYC on a cold rainy night and drive for about a block when I get pulled over. I had intended to fasten my seatbelt at the first red light, but before I could get that far I was stopped by a police officer and ticketed. Okay. My fault. It's bullshit, but it's my fault. Officer Crabgash asks for my registration and insurance, which I give him. But in the dark I handed him an old insurance card. He could have simply remarked "Ma'am you're insurance is expired." I would have winced at the "Ma'am" part, then quickly handed him the correct, NOT expired card that was also in my glove compartment. Instead he writes me an extra ticket for expired insurance. When I inform him he has made a mistake he replies, "Too late. Already wrote the ticket." When he did not burst into flames, I knew the Jedi Mind Trick was not altogether infallible. Fucking George Lucas!

Then he says I can mail in the ticket with a copy of proof of insurance and it will all go away. I drove away and did as the nice officer instructed and never heard from the NY DMV about the ticket again. Problem solved. Right?

Let's skip ahead.

Summer 2004: I get an amazing once-in-a-lifetime shot to tool around on tour with David Bowie and The Polyphonic Spree for ten days. Pretty fucking rad, right? I was excited. So excited, in fact, that as I am driving on the Upper West Side of Manhattan I forget to stop at one little old crosswalk-stop sign, right in front of Officer McParkedNearby. Shit!

He is all set to let me off with a warning, due to my "Oops! I have blonde hair, which makes me stupid..teehee!" routine, which by the way, usually works. But he calls in my license and informs me that I have a suspended license.

What???

So instead I get another ticket for driving without a license and am urged to clear this up with both New York and Connecticut (where my license was issued) ASAFP. So I spend the next few days trying to get a human being on the phone just to find out HOW to even go about paying a ticket I no longer have a copy of. After 20-odd hours of automated voice menus and busy signals I shitcan the entire thing, vow never to drive again and throw my phone at a hotel concierge (in front of Russell Crowe who watched admiringly. Sorry, dude).

This single decision will later cost me over a thousand dollars, eight weeks of my life, 300 hours on the telephone (200 of those on "Hold"), buckets of tears, the wrath of my parents, and the will to live.

Summer 2005: I move to Seattle, Washington, and attempt to get a new license. Here's my logic: none of the DMVs so far have even installed a fax machine; surely their records can't be connected between states. Maybe they won't find out my license is suspended in Connecticut, and I can put this whole mess behind me.

Get it? 'Cause that's the punchline.

After filling out forms and passing the eye test, my Seattle DMV employee looks suspiciously at a printed paper in front of her. She eyeballs me, surveys up and down and then avoids eye contact as she asks for the $20 fee required for me to take my written test. I hand over the cash and THE INSTANT it leaves my hand, she looks back at the paper as if she is a news anchor and someone just handed this to her on air. "This just in: it appears your license is suspended in CT and NY. We won't be able to give you the driver's test. Oh, and also I can't refund the money you JUST gave me, because you neglected to inform me that you had a suspended license."

Me: "I didn't know it was suspended."

Her: "Too bad. So sad. Your Dad." (I'm paraphrasing)

This time the Jedi Mind Trick did work. Only apparently I was willing her to be a cruel-ass fuckstain. Lucas!!

By this time, I am also negotiating the purchase of a new car to be picked up during an upcoming two-week trip to Texas. My parents are helping me pick it up, so now they are also involved. I love them, but sometimes dealing with the DMV is almost more fun. The point is, I have a very limited time in which to resolve the no-license having issue. So I spend another half day on the phone until finally someone at the Albany office of the New York DMV picks up the plastic ringing-thingy on his desk that has been disturbing his nap.

I tell him my predicament and he informs me that I can contest the first no insurance ticket, which will take 3 months to resolve. Or I can pay the fines and try to get the money back later. This will enable me to at least get a driver's license in the meantime. He also says there is no record of the second ticket, which I am relieved about, and set about paying off all the fines.

Ticket: $380
Misdemeanor charge: $500 (apparently no insurance is a criminal offense as well as traffic violation)
Fee to the State of Connecticut for reinstating my license: $125
Sucking the giant hairy dick of the Department of Motor Vehicles: Priceless.

So now all that's left is to send the receipts from New York to Connecticut, letting them know that my tickets are paid and I am ready to have a license again. New York sends a letter to this effect to my New York apartment. I am in Seattle. Luckily my former roommate opens my mail, so he was able to forward it to Connecticut for me.

I wait 5 days and begin the calls to the CT office to see if it has been cleared. I only have 2 weeks to get my Washington license before leaving to pick up my car in Texas. Each day, license is still not cleared and "people" at the CT DMV ask me to call back later. Finally, my former roommate calls me again and says I have received a letter from CT informing me that the paperwork I sent them was insufficient.

I receive a letter from New York stating my license is cleared of all restrictions and send THIS to Connecticut, sure that it will suffice. How wrong am I? Dead wrong. After another week of waiting for CT to process this, I finally get someone on the phone to tell me that this is also insufficient. What they need are actual receipts with ticket numbers on them.

Now I'm on a plane to Texas. I no longer have the choice of resolving this issue in Washington. I'll have to resolve while I'm in Texas, get a Texas license, then drive back to Washington and get a Washington license. Awesome.

So I'm back on the phone with the New York DMV trying to get the correct paperwork. For the first two days I am never able to get through to a human. I spend 15 minutes listening and maneuvering the automated phone system only to then be put through to a message that informs me: "We're sorry. There is no one to take your call at this time. Please call again later." Click.

WTF?!!!

Finally I call a DIFFERENT office and speak to something with DNA. Possibly ape DNA, but still, no longer dealing with an angry phone robot. He can't find the ticket numbers I am referring to. As it turns out, the SECOND insurance ticket (which we thought maybe didn't exist after all) DID actually exist, only under a different spelling of my name, So $340 later he promises to send over the paperwork so that I may then overnight it to Connecticut (who won't take a fax) for processing.

Two days later, paperwork still hasn't arrived, so I call again. This time I speak to the same person who remembers me. He's like the Jesus of the DMV. He promises to fax my paperwork immediately and I verify the fax number with him. Twice.

Five minutes later my cell phone starts ringing. When I answer, I hear the soothing tones of a fax machine on the other end of the line. Steve is attempting to fax my cell phone, not my fax. So I call back and ask to speak to him. A woman informs me that "Steve just left the office for the day."

Are you fucking kidding me?

But the woman can clearly see the fax not going through and sends the paperwork. Finally. I am on my way to victory with the reinforced knowledge of never sending a man to do a woman's job (i.e. "anything"). Sorry, Steve. Maybe you aren't really DMV Jesus after all.

I overnight the paperwork to Connecticut. I call back every single day. Each time they almost refuse to even check and see if my license is cleared, because, as they explain to me impatiently, "these things take 7 to 10 business days to process." Still, I ask them to go ahead and make my 45 minute cell phone call worth the $150 in roaming fees I'll be paying for it worth something and they check, and infuriatingly enough, they are correct.

Until Monday. I called first thing in the morning and got the same rigmarole about 7 to 10 business days. Then for shits and giggles I call back in the afternoon. It's done. My license has been cleared in all states! Thank you, imaginary DMV Jesus!!!

I rush to the Texas DMV with the proper paperwork which I have spent the past few days obtaining (due to my think-ahead-to-the-next-inevitable-uphill-battle strategy of trying to beat them at their own game). I wait in line for over an hour, in which time I am able to rummage through an empty desk, find a DMV handbook, take the practice test in the book twice, and make friends with a few of the other flourescently-lit victims in line.

Finally, I am about four people from the front of the line. One of the two clerks on duty stands up to announce "It is now 4:20. We will no longer be giving any written tests." Aside from the oddly (coincidental?) timing of DMV shutdowns and nationwide marijuana smoke breaks, this news is not hilarious at all. But I remain in line, determined to get one thing accomplished. I make it to the counter, fill in the necessary forms, take the eye test, get fingerprinted, pay the $24 fee, and get my receipt to come back for the written test.

TODAY: I arrive at the opening of the DMV. Apparently, I was a minute later than everyone else in the county as there is already a full parking lot and a 30-person line. I whip out my handy receipt, though, and am able to skip past those poor assholes directly to the testing booth for my 15-minute unsupervised test which could have EASILY been done on the previous day. Whatever, I'm in and out and back at the front of the line, where I am told that in the past 15 minutes, all available driving test slots have been filled. Officer WasteMyTime recommends I return tomorrow at 7am in order to stand in line some more in hopes of getting a spot tomorrow.

Assuming I pass the test, I should have a license by tomorrow, just in time for my trip back to Seattle the following day.

If I don't have a license tomorrow, expect Franky to post a link to these headlines: "Denton woman kills entire population of Texas in biggest case of non-vehicular road rage ever seen."
"New levels of Hell created for entire Department of Motor Vehicles."
"Hell rejects DMV employees; AFRAID."
"DMV ascends to heaven and pisses off angels"
"New Holy War begun, in which angels and devils fight together against bureaucrats."

Also: "EXTRA! No asshole stinky or dirty enough for the DMV's mother!"

As I wait in line tomorrow, pointlessly, I will pretend I am instead waiting in line for something good, like the premiere of a new Star Wars movie. But like one made by the good 1970's Lucas, not the craptacular shitfest-producing current Lucas that is trying to ruin my childhood with his special effects machines.

Fucking. George. Lucas.

Matthew 5:5 - Fuck the meek.

2005-09-09T10:39:00.000-04:00

House Republican campaign chief Reynolds touts chance to market conservative social-policy solutions; Rep. Baker of Baton Rouge is overheard telling lobbyists: "We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did."

From the Wall St. Journal wire

I Think I'm Smarter Than the USDA

2005-06-28T16:03:00.000-04:00

"USDA Fails To Figure Out Why Tiger Attacked Illusionist Roy Horn"

It was a FUCKING TIGER! Case closed.

The Iraqi Soldier Is The Superior Athlete

2005-06-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

I saw another one of those darned magnets, made in Taiwan, that say "Support Dem troops" and it got me thinking, "you know what, I don't want to support the troops. They get more support than a pair of breasts in a Wonderbra." I realized that I've always rooted for the underdog in any situation and I'm not gonna stop that now. The troops are by no means the underdog so they don't need my help. Their military budget seems to double every year so they're gonna do just fine. And the tyranny of public opinion isn't gonna sway me either. No magnet can change this mind of mine. I don't root for the Yankees, and I don't root for the yankees. I grew up on the Karate Kid, Star Wars, and Stephen Hawkings. I came to understand you gotta root for the little guy. I'm not gonna change that now.

Then I got to realizing that you have to realize The Troops are losing this war. Oh they're not losing, they have a $_00,000,000,000 budget so of course they're not gonna lose. If I was Jimmy The Greek I would have set the odds in their favor. But let's face it, the Iraqis have beat the spread. The Iraqis aren't winning the war, but they beat the spread. Anybody who put money on them would be rich right now. You don't have to beat Mike Tyson to win, you just have to stay in the ring for enough rounds. The fact that Iraq has a military budget of $0.25 and yet has still stayed in the game is the way to do it. They're like the US Hockey team in 1980. They're like Rocky in Rocky IV. The Iraqi are more American than America. We got Magic, Bird, Jordan AND Shaq and we're only winning 86-85?

And how come the Generals in charge of this war on the US side are still in charge? They're doing a shitty job. If they were the head coach of a large athletic sports team, they'd be fired by Steinbrenner a long time ago. All this talk of "be patient" and "next year is gonna be our year" and "come on, let's take a shower together" is not the way our military leaders ought to be talking. If I was a fan of US military might, I'd feel really scammed now. The Yankees sound like the Red Sox of the prior 86 years, metaphorically speaking. I hope the fans start speaking out. If you're gonna do this badly against Iraq, how are you gonna fair against China? Our Dream Team is getting trounced.

Autopsy Reveals Terri Schiavo Nearly as Brain Damaged as Senate Republican

2005-06-24T07:50:00.000-04:00

I realize that I'm a little late on this, but last week Terri Sciavo's autopsy report was released. Long Story Short: Terri was completely fucked up.

Schiavo's brain weighed 615 grams, about half the normal weight, and she was incapable of seeing, the medical examiner's office found after her death March 31. The report found no evidence she had been abused, nor any indication why she collapsed in 1990.

"This damage was irreversible, and no amount of therapy or treatment would have regenerated the massive loss of neurons," said the report, released at a news conference by Pinellas-Pasco Medical Examiner Dr. Jon Thogmartin.

That sort of takes an elephant sized dump on Senator/Dr. Bill Frist's long distance diagnosis where he stated "I question it based on a review of the video footage which I spent an hour or so looking at last night in my office... She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli." It also smashes a baseball bat into the face of Peggy Noonan's belief that Terri would one day "wake up" and say "Is that you, mom?" and her persistently vegetative slander of Terri's husband Michael.

What I find most interesting is Mark Fuhrman's sudden involvement in this insanity. Next week Fuhrman is releasing Silent Witness : The Untold Story of Terri Schiavo's Death. Here are some choice quotes from Furhman's book, from a sneak preview provided exclusively to BullshitDetection.com.

Chapter 5:
"...From 1995 on Terri Schiavo showed basically no cognitive activity, much like east coast "gangster" rapper Flavor Flav. This fried chicken enthusiast had the audacity to challenge brave EMT and police in his 1989 hit '911 is a joke'...."

Chapter 7:
"There was a considerable amount of debate over whether Mrs. Schiavo was in a PVS. You know which greasy baboon is almost always in a PVS? Al Sharpton. In this case PVS meaning 'Purple Velour Sweatsuit..."

Chapter 19:
"Her brain waves were similar to the waves of a swimming pool in the Compton area of Los Angeles. People who live there are genetically predisposed to have inferior bone density, and are destined to sink like a rock if they don't wear swimmies.

Taking Down Torture Bullshit Point-By-Point

2005-06-21T08:06:00.000-04:00

There is an awful lot of noise coming from pro-torture assholes on cable TV and on the internet. These people are trying their hardest to shift attention away from the abuses committed and onto the traitors like me who talk about them.

The newest line of shit is a call for Senator Dick Durbin to resign. First off, the only person who should be upset about Durbin is fellow Illinois Senator Barack Obama. Durbin is the Senate Minority Whip, and Barack, as a Senate Minority, can't be too comfortable sitting next to a guy with a fucked up job title like that.

But I digress. All criticism of Durbin is coming from the right. Right wing torture groupies think Durbin went too far with his condemnation of American torture techniques. Durbin read this (fucked up) FBI memo on the Senate floor:

On a couple of occasions, I entered interview rooms to find a detainee chained hand and foot in a fetal position to the floor, with no chair, food, or water. Most times they urinated or defecated on themselves, and had been left there for 18-24 hours or more. On one occasion, the air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold... On another occasion, the [air conditioner] had been turned off, making the temperature in the unventilated room well over 100 degrees. The detainee was almost unconscious on the floor, with a pile of hair next to him. He had apparently been literally pulling his hair out throughout the night. On another occasion, not only was the temperature unbearably hot, but extremely loud rap music was being played in the room, and had been since the day before, with the detainee chained hand and foot in the fetal position on the tile floor."

After which he made this statement:

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulag, or some mad regime - Pol Pot or others - that had no concern for human beings.

Many douchebags are quoting him all out of context with ellipses all over the fucking place like this:

Durbin sez: "Americans .. [are] most certainly... Nazis. [I]n their Gulag.. [The Troops©] had no concern for human beings."

What the fuck ever. It should be noted that most of these assholes have absolutely no objection to torture, and make no effort to dispute the abuse charges. In fact Rush Limbaugh is now selling a t-shirt celebrating torture and apparently urging a coverup of any future crimes: "A MUST Have. Club G'itmo logo on front. "What Happens in G'itmo stays in G'itmo emblazoned on back." Available in Institutional Orange only in sizes: S, M, L, XL, XXL, and now in XXXL & XXXXL!" Extra Extra Extra Extra Large? At that size Rush should be paying you; you're a Goodyear blimp-sized billboard pimping RushLimbaugh.com. Republicans are outraged at the Senator for even talking about those charges. They have their panties all in a bunch about comparisons to Gulags. Many conservatives have resorted to rattling off the menu selection at Gitmo as a defense:

Rep. Duncan Hunter, the House Armed Services Committee chairman, "For Sunday they're going to be having Orange Glazed Chicken, Fresh Fruit Roupee, Steamed Peas and Mushrooms, Rice Pilaf - we treat them very well," he told Fox News Sunday.

A few points. If you are like me (and unlike many political pundits) you went to a public school, so you know what prison food tastes like. I'm willing to guess the "Orange Glaze" is made up of: High Fructose Corn Syrup, Preservatives, Yellow #6, and "artificial flavors," and probably tastes like a mule's ass. But even if Gitmo's "Orange Glazed Chicken" tastes better than Angelina Jolie's birth canal, it probably doesn't seem so delicious when shitting it all over oneself in a small steamy room.

What I'm trying to get at is that Durbin didn't do anything wrong here. He basically stated that this kind of behavior sounds rather unlike the troops we've all come to know and love. Chaining unarmed defenseless people down in a 110 degree room in a pool of feces and urine while blasting "2pacalypse now" at high volume does not sound much like being "all that you can be".

Then there's speculation in the press that the solution to all of these problems would be to close down and/or demolish the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay. Every god damn article I see is basically the press salivating over every word from the Bush Administration. "Bush May or May Not Shut Down Gitmo", "Bush Doesn't Rule Out or Rule In Torture Camp Closing", "Bush Doesn't Say He Isn't Going to Un-Shutdown Negative Zone Gitmo". Hate to bring reality down to y'all, but closing these places isn't going to do dick. Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib weren't possessed by poltergeists; they weren't built on top of a pet cemetery. There was nothing special about the floor at Abu Ghraib that facilitated the building a naked man pyramid. It's not like there was a Twister© game board painted there or anything. Right Nut Red, Left Ass Cheek Green.

All of these crimes were committed by servicemen, under the orders, and with the blessing of the Bush Administration and Army Superiors. Closing down the camps is a symbolic move that doesn't change a fucking thing, and has nothing to do with determining who's really accountable for this "Troops Gone Wild: Spring Break Edition" behavior.

Howard Dean is Mean to Republicans

2005-06-10T15:28:00.000-04:00

Has everyone heard that Howard Dean doesn't like Republicans? It's absolutely scandalous. He's the head of the Democratic National Committee. It's his job to promote Democratic Candidates, funnel money to Democratic campaigns, and get Republicans fired from their offices. It sounds like we fucked up and picked the wrong guy. Why in the world would the Democrats want a chairman who fervently embraces Democratic principles over Republican ones?

Howard Dean has come under fire from Republicans when he said "lot of them have never made an honest living in their lives," and a few days later referred to the GOP as "pretty much a white, Christian party." Now why exactly Republicans would be inspired to bitch about the leader of the opposition party, I can only guess. I'd just like to assure you all that it's cool. We don't need your help on this one. We appreciate your concern, but everything is under control. I'm guessing that most Republicans would have a low opinion of Dean even if he were to personally bake them a plate of delicious chocolate chip cookies.

Now the media is trying to play the "Too hot for TV" angle. Trying to convince us that Howard is just too gosh darn wild to be a leader. He's a hothead, a loose cannon like Mel Gibson in lethal Weapon I, II, III, and the last 20 minutes of IV. Howard, I've got the mayor and city council riding my ass on this case, I wanna see your badge and gun on this desk.

Newsflash: Every one of us who supported Dean knew he was a lunatic. A lunatic who knows the names of all fifty states. When Howard screamed "we're going to South Carolina! And Oklahoma! And Arizona! And North Dakota! And New Mexico!" at roughly 400 decibels, we got that he's forceful. We understood that he wasn't just some boring cracker in a suit, like Al Gore or Terry McAuliffe.

Now as for the "honest living" comment I'm no great judge of that. Personally I think that the guy that cleans up cum stains at an X-rated movie booth is making a more honest living than the a marketing wizards who created Evanescence. Honesty is a relative concept, and Howard says he was referring to Republican leaders not ordinary citizens, so let's focus on Howards other outrageous claim. Are Republicans really "pretty much a white, Christian party?"

Yup.

[A] new book about America's political divisions notes that the 99 percent of all Republican legislators across the country and in Congress are white. The national Republican Party, whose base is in the South, the Plains and the Mountain states, looks to white men as its power base and source of leadership. Even when Republican states have significant minority populations, the elected Republican representatives rarely are drawn from those communities.

[...]Of 3,643 Republicans serving in the state legislatures, only 44 are minorities, or 1.2 percent. In the Congress, with 274 of the 535 elected senators and representatives Republican, only five are minorities - three Cuban Americans from Florida, a Mexican American from Texas and a Native American senator originally elected as a Democrat.

president Bush's home state leads the way. Texas, with a minority population of 47 percent, has 106 Republicans in the state legislature, but there are 0 blacks and 0 Hispanics among them,'

It should be noted that the one Native American republican referenced, Ben Nighthorse Campbell, is no longer a Senator. Furthermore, Cubans aren't real minorities. Cubans hate other latinos even more than white people do(Note to oversensitive assholes about to email me: don't). But I'll include them and the few other minority republicans elected in 2004 just to be fair. So according to the current figures from the 109th Congress.

Democrats:
(68 minorities / (211 representatives + 44 senators)) = %26.66 minority
Republicans:
(8 minorities / ( 222 representatives + 55 senators)) = % 2.88 minority

Whether or not 97.22% white qualifies as "pretty much" is up to you.

(his)Panic in the Streets!

2005-06-09T10:55:00.000-04:00

"Hispanics Are Fastest-Growing Minority"
It seems to me they max out at about 5'5"

That's not a Qur'an In the Shitter! Don't Be Ridiculous, That's just the Geneva Conventions.

2005-05-17T08:07:00.000-04:00

It's now officially Newsweek's fault that the Middle East is really fucked up. An article in last week's issue of the magazine reported that US interrogators in Guantanamo Bay put copies of the Qur'an in a place normally reserved for poopie and peepee, in an attempt to do... you know, whatever fucked up thing US interrogators were doing that week. According to some reports, this little factoid is what pushed some Muslim Fundamentalists over the edge (approx. 4 millimeters) sparking riots where 15 Afghanis died and over a hundred were wounded. All told, Newsweek proved to be a far more effective Afghani killing machine than Pat Tillman ever was.

A few days after the carnage, Newsweek admitted that their source couldn't confirm that any Qur'ans were harmed, and retracted the story. White House white guy Scott McClellan thinks they can do more.

McClellan said Newsweek would have to decide what it should do to set the record straight. "All we're saying is that we would encourage them to help undo the damage that has been done," he said. "Some of it's not going to be able to be undone, some of it is lasting." He said that Newsweek "certainly has the ability" to help repair the damage. "They are a widely-published magazine."

I'm a little less optimistic than McClellan. Newsweek may be able to make a nice infographic pie chart on Attention Deficit Disorder in Adolescents, but that probably won't undo thousands of years of sectarian violence in Afghanistan. McClellan defended that position by saying "Look, this report caused serious damage to the image of the United States abroad. And Newsweek has said that they got it wrong." Yeah. Whatever. The US Army causes more damage to the image of the United States before 8am than most people cause all day. Maybe Newsweek got sick of being left out of the White House's "damage to the image of the United States" games and decided to take matters into their own hands. By blinking and retracting their story, Newsweek proved they weren't bringing their A Game to destroying Americas good name, if such a name ever existed in the first place.

Now smug pricks all over the "blogosphere"(ugh) are claiming victory. The alpha dog of conservative intellectuals Glenn Reynolds thinks the Newsweek flap is "the press's Abu Ghraib." That seems pretty reasonable, since Newsweek's editor Fareed Zakaria did beat an innocent person to death, and personal finance columnist Jane Bryant Quinn smeared shit on a shackled prisoner and led him around on a dog leash. Oh they didn't? Then shut the fuck up.

Meanwhile, despite the proclamations from "new media" douchebags, and Newsweek cracking under the political pressure their story is ACTUALLY FUCKING TRUE!

"The behavior of the guards towards our religious practices as well as the Koran was also, in my view, designed to cause us as much distress as possible. They would kick the Koran, throw it into the toilet and generally disrespect it." (Center for Constitution Rights, Detention in Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay)
_____
"We were not subjected to any physical torture as such but even shaving our beards and taking off our clothes is a form of cruelty," said Abdul Rahim.

He said a number of Arab prisoners had still not spoken to their investigators after three years to protest at the desecration of the Koran by guards.(Ex-inmates share Guantanamo ordeal, Haroon Rashid, BBC News World edition)
_____
They were never given prayer mats and initially they didn't get a Koran. When the Korans were provided, they were kicked and thrown about by the guards and on occasion thrown in the buckets used for the toilets. This kept happening. When it happened it was always said to be an accident but it was a recurrent theme(Center for Constitutional Rights, New York City)
_____
The disrespect of the Koran by guards at Camp X-Ray was one of the factors prompting a hunger strike.(Center for Constitutional Rights, New York City, NY)
_____
Contrary to White House assertions, the allegations of religious desecration at Guantanamo published by Newsweek May 6 are common among ex-prisoners and have been widely reported outside the United States(Raw Story, May 16, 2005)

There's more citations at the link above. Honestly though, Fuck the Qur'an. I really don't see why a stupid mass market trade paperback edition of some book is more sacred than the actual human beings we torture on a daily basis. That's where religious fundamentalists lose me. It's a book, motherfuckers, get over it. I threw my copy of "Atlas Shrugged" in the toilet in 1999 and I haven't faced protests from any egotistical libertarian assholes, yet. Or for fucks sake, if you are that pissed off mount an assault on Guantanamo Bay, like in that movie Bad Boys II. Don't shit in your own backyard, Afghanistan has already reached its fucked-up quota for the next 17,000 years.

ME TO HOLLYWOOD ANALYSTS: Boo-hoo! Go cry into your bag of drugs. Its in your luxury SUV. No, your OTHER luxury SUV.

2005-05-11T17:21:00.000-04:00

I'm SO sick of articles about lackluster movie ticket sales, and hearing about how marketing geniuses are going to have to come up with more clever ways of selling us tickets and why why WHY aren't these movies making money?!!!

"Wahh! I spent 130 million dollars making the same piece of shit movie that has been released every summer for the past five years, and only 20 million people saw it in the first three days it was released!!! Why, me?!! I mean, Gladiator was such a success! Then Troy came out and did pretty well at the box office. Then Alexander... well, it got sort of a lukewarm reception, but still, it made, well, it made even less than my movie. I guess I should shut up and get started on Kingdom of Heaven II: Gettin' Heavenlier."

Hey, asshats! $20 million dollars isn't fucking chump change. You know how many people saw that movie? Doesn't that count for something? Isn't there something to be said for reaching people; validity for the film itself as art? Okay, it cost you a ton of money to make. But you probably made double your investment in endorsements, what with running 40 minutes of commercials even before the lights dimmed. And let's put this in perspective--opening weekend is only THREE DAYS of ticket sales. DOMESTIC. Calm down. You'll make your money back. Maybe you won't be able to afford to settle as many sexual harrassment lawsuits next year, but you'll survive.

And please don't think I'm singling out Kingdom of Heaven in any way - I didn't even see that movie (you're welcome). I'm really just pissed off at the IDEA that there are people who have hundreds of million dollars to sink into a single movie. And when movies don't perform to some hyper-elevated level of superbadassness, studios react first and foremost by taking fewer chances on original ideas; instead focusing on turning already well-made movies into newer, more-expensive totally unnecessary remakes. Or, they're adapting canceled television shows for the big screen. Guess what? Even when it came into our living rooms for free--when all a person had to do was get up off the beanbag furniture and turn that plastic dial to the right, maybe fiddle with the rabbit ears a little--America stopped watching Dukes of Hazzard years ago. Now you think putting Jessica Simpson and Johnny Knoxville in tight pants is gonna make us leave our homes and pay $10 to watch it at a theater?

Okay, yes. Fine. You had me at Willie Nelson.

My point is, why not take those hundreds of millions of dollars and make five or six, or ten movies with smaller budgets? Why not save the energy spent on brainstorming product placements and corporate tie-ins and sex scandals involving your actors/models/publicity whores, and use it to tell smarter, more compelling stories? Stories that don't require a healthy serving of roofies to make them relatable. I mean, seriously. No amount of eyeglasses and ponytails is going to convince me those fake tits belong to an anthropologist.

Don't try so hard to convince me what to see and what to buy. And whatever happens, don't expect me to sympathize when you manage to captivate the attentions of millions of people per day for two hours in a dark room.

"But I was hoping to draw in tens of millions!"

Boo hoo, fuckstain. Maybe once we stop throwing up chunks of Miss Congeniality II, we'll consider going to the movies again.

I Support the Shit Out of The Troops, And I Have the T-Shirt to Prove It

2005-05-11T11:10:00.000-04:00

I recently came across some emails which detail a brilliant one step plan to show the troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan how much we care about them. Awesome! What do I need to do? Should I volunteer at a Veterans Hospital? Or maybe I should send a donation to a worthwhile cause like Disabled American Veterans? Then again I read that the Army and Marines have been having a lot of trouble meeting their recruitment goals. Maybe I should stop being such a big fat pussy typing shit on the internet, and enlist already. Oh man, I can't wait to hear this idea, let's have it!

Our idea of showing our solidarity and support for our troops is that starting Friday and continuing on each and every Friday, that we and every red blooded American who supports our young men and women, WEAR SOMETHING RED.

Word of mouth, press, TV, lets see if we can make the United States, on any given Friday, a sea of red much like a home football game at the University of Nebraska, Alabama or Georgia. If every one of our memberships share this with other acquaintances, fellow workers, drinking buddies, country club friends, I guarantee you that it will not be long before the USA will be covered in RED - much to the disdain of the un-American ralliers. Let's get the word out and lead by example; wear RED on Fridays.

Wear Red? Every single Friday? Shit, freedom really isn't free. Apparently, freedom costs $9.92 at walmart.com. Well, I sure as shit don't want to be an "un-American rallier", so here goes:

On it's face, this sounds like the stupidest fucking idea ever. It seems counter productive to our "mission of peace" to glorify the blood shed by our military. I thought the official position was that we aren't over there just to bust some heads. But kudos on finding a way to help the troops out without even needing to put down your Playstation controller. I'm sure that a 20 year old kid driving a Humvee on a mine laden desert road in 100 degree weather while his wife and 6 month old baby try to get by on his shitty near poverty wages will be really inspired by your show of patriotism.

Then again maybe I'm just a cynic. Even the people of Iraq seem to be fully embracing this call to "wear something red".

Wow Bullshit-detection.com is fucked up? What a surprise!

2005-05-09T13:12:00.000-04:00

You may have noticed that bullshit-detection.com has been down for like 8 days. You may also have noticed that nobody really updated the site for a whole month. And now even if you can see the site, you are probably coming to realize that there are no goddamn images on the site, and it seems like some retro flashback to the lame ass "internet" found in school library computers circa 1991.

Basically bullshit-detection.com has seemingly been corrupted by the forces of bullshit.

Our old server is all kinds of fucked up at the moment, so I worked feverishly this weekend to get the domain name and content transferred to a new server. Most images should be back up in the next two days. New content will follow shortly. Thanks for your patience, bitches.

UPDATE: About %80 of the images are back. The rest will be back eventually. God forbid the day people are unable to acces gems like this:

Cruise to Holmes: "Why are you hitting yourself?"

2005-05-06T12:04:00.000-04:00

***
I don't know if Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are sincerely dating, or simply revving up that publicity engine in time for their summer blockbusters. Its weird that they're so... out. Typically, celebrities like to deny they're dating for a solid six months before they appear at an event together. Of course, typically men like to date women who aren't a foot taller than them, so I guess anything's possible. Tom Cruise doesn't play by your rules. He's a Scientologist, after all.

What we do "know" is that (a) Katie and Tom were smacking lips for the Italian press for several days. (b) They returned to Los Angeles and spent the night at Cruise's place. (c) Holmes went shopping the next day and was photographed with these sores/bruises/rash? on her mouth.

Maybe she likes it rough. Maybe Tom's perpin' the herp. Maybe these photos were doctored and everything in the above paragraph was a manipulation of facts by the tabloid media.

I guess I just wanted to make myself feel better by putting bad photos of hot girls on the internet. Remember when Cameron Diaz had acne?!!!!

Pope's Death Tied to Box Office Gross of Action/Adventure Film

2005-04-04T07:25:00.000-04:00

Matt Drudge is back on his Soapbox. Today he clumsily contrasted the Pope's death with the release of the film Sin City.

# 1 MOVIE IN USA WEEKEND POPE DIES 'SIN CITY' FEATURES A CARDINAL AS CANNIBAL, IN LEAGUE WITH A SERIAL KILLER WHO READS THE BIBLE, A CROSS IN JUST ABOUT EVERY SCENE... MOVIE FEATURES BRUCE WILLIS RIPPING A MAN'S PENIS OFF...

Oh my God! A killer who reads the Bible! That's blasphemy! All people who read the Bible are instantly filled with the healing love of Jesus Christ, and incapable of any bad behavior. Those Evil Secular Jews in Hollywood have really done it this time! They've killed the Pope with their immoral screenwriting and cinematography!

It seems as if Drudge is trying to draw a parallel, but I'm just not seeing it. Since the the filmmakers couldn't possibly have known the Pope would die on the opening weekend of Sin City, I seriously doubt the two events are linked. Maybe the Pope requested an advance screening, and the film magically turned him into a frail 84 year old mummy, but I haven't seen any evidence of that. The Pope's been near death for about ten years. If he died the week Mona Lisa Smile came out, would Julia Roberts be to blame?

To prove that he's only the second stupidest piece of shit on the Planet, Drudge then links to this article by Brandon Gray, which makes the same point even more ham-handedly:

As news of Pope John Paul II's death dominated the weekend, moviegoers appear to have vindicated recent accusations that America is plagued by what religious radicals call a death culture a charge lobbed by President George W. Bush in the wake of the Terry Schiavo case by flocking to the ultra-violent Sin City.

Oh sure, obviously a high box office take for some movie means that George Bush and various religious lunatics are right about everything. Even better, when in doubt we drag poor dead Terri Schiavo into the debate. Terri is the perfect political foil, she hasn't said a word since 1990, so everyone feels free to use her as a ventriloquist dummy. We may all collectively stick our hands up her ass like Howdy Doody and make her repeat our talking points for us. For all we know, Terri might have loved film adaptations of gritty comic book crime dramas. But since we can't ask her, we can make the assumption that Terri would strongly condemn such obscenities.

I'm sick of stupid motherfuckers asserting that every person that sees a violent movie, or plays a violent video game, or listens to violent rap lyrics; is embracing a "culture of death". By that logic, everyone that went to see the Godfather is a Mafia don. And each and every person who watched Schindlers List is clearly a Nazi Death Camp guard.

I find it odd that supporting the murder and torture of actual innocent people in Iraq, as Matt Drudge does, doesn't make him a member of "the culture of death". However watching people die in a work of fiction somehow puts me squarely in that category. I wish the link between fictional and real violence was more concrete. It would be awesome if each of the millions of people who watched that movie tracked down Matt Drudge and Brandon Gray and beat the ever loving shit out of them. They'd be all "how do you like that 'culture of Death' you dumb fuck? You're in the Jungle baby, you gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiie."

If You are Going to Shoot Up Your School, Wait for a Slow News Cycle.

2005-03-22T23:14:00.000-05:00

Has anyone else noticed that the American media has been spending so much energy covering Terri Schiavo's bedsores, that they've somehow missed an awesome school shooting? Yesterday a 16 year old Native American Neo Nazi went on a massive killing spree taking out 4 adults and 5 students before taking his own life.

Hold up! What the fuck is a Native American Neo Nazi? I wish I could tell you, but everyone is so focused on Terri that no one is really exploring the issue. Even Matt Drudge who usually eats this shit up, has replaced the story with a picture of Brad Pitt making out with Angelina Jolie.

After the Columbine shootings, the nation was so obsessed with violence in school, that they were expelling kids just for drawing pictures of guns, or making a gun shape with their hands. There were maps of the US with red "hot spots" where another Columbine was likely to break out. Now, 6 years later, we have a shooting of similarly tragic proportions, and its story comes on after the third commercial break, if at all.

Now don't get me wrong, I think the level of coverage is appropriate, from the perspective of a bullshit detective. I'm not going to ask what kind of music this kid listened to. I don't give a shit what violent video games he was playing(unless they happen to be available on my home system, the Playstation 2) . And most of all, I don't want to hear that some stick figures he drew in class should have been a warning sign. Everyone draws fucked up drawings in school, school is a boring ass place to be. Pen + Paper + Old windbag droning on about A Raisin in The Sun = Awesome Drawings. In fact I just totally drew a picture of me blowing up my high school today, and I graduated in 1996.

I'm just shocked that the national media isn't riding this a little harder. If you have a 24 hour news network, why have 22 of those hours be devoted to video of Terri Schiavo staring blankly at a balloon? I like to hear about school shootings. Sure, it's terrible for the victims. But as someone who took a lot of shit in High School, I always have hope that school shootings will have a positive effect as an asshole deterrent. I bet after Columbine, people in that school gave the Trenchcoat Mafia a little breathing room for a while. There's a silver lining on that dark cloud, and I'm nothing if not an optimist.

Unfortunately for the shooter, he picked a lousy week. If a tree whips out an 9mm semi-automatic, guns down nine people in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound?

Two tips for future school shooters looking to make the front page:
1. Wait until a week where the top story in the news is about Mariah Carey.
2. For god sakes, kill white people. Not Native Americans, real American Americans.

Every Time I Eat Vegetables it Makes Me Think of Terri Schiavo

2005-03-18T00:30:00.000-05:00

Unlike Terri Schiavo, I've been following recent developments in the Terri Schiavo case. She's the braindead woman that is being fought over by every lawyer in America. Terri had a heart attack in 1990 and hasn't shown any significant brain activity since then. Her husband claims she clearly expressed a desire to not be resuscitated in such a circumstance many times. Her mother and father disagree with that notion and have been fighting to keep her "alive". Her husband finally legally got his chance to off her by removing her feeding tube today but is now being cock blocked by Republican leaders in the House and Senate.

House of Representatives leaders issued subpoenas for Schiavo while the Senate called her as a witness to congressional hearings to stave off the removal of her feeding tube, scheduled for 1 p.m.

Both the House and Senate also summoned her husband, Michael, who contends she would not have wanted to be kept alive in what court-appointed doctors describe as a persistent vegetative state.

"The Senate and the House remain dedicated to saving Terri Schiavo's life. While discussions over possible legislative remedies continue, the Senate and the House are taking action to keep her alive in the interim," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, a Tennessee Republican.

I can't imagine what having her "testify" before congress will accomplish. Do they think she's going to give a stirring dissertation about her exciting decade and a half spent strapped to a gurney staring into space? I imagine the testimony going something like this:

Senator William Frist: Good Afternoon Mrs. Schiavo I would like to extend the gratitude of the Senate of these Great United States, for you taking time out of your busy schedule to come talk to us.
Terri Schiavo:
Frist: Please state for the record your name and place of residence.
Terri Schiavo:

Apparently this woman, who has basically been dead for 15 years, is the most important person alive; judging by the extreme lengths people are going to in order to "save" her. I wish people worked this hard to keep Iraqi citizens alive. Why is it that the same people that are so cavalier and insensitive about blowing up Arabs, and putting Young Brothers up on Death Row, fight tooth and nail to keep a dead person from figuring out that she's dead? For all intents and purposes she ceased all cognitive activity in 1990.

Fifteen years ago, she stopped breathing temporarily because of a chemical imbalance brought on by an eating disorder. Starved of oxygen, her brain suffered massive damage. She can breathe on her own but cannot speak or eat.

"She has a destroyed cerebral cortex, the part of the brain with which one is a person and with which one feels," Dr. Walter Bradley, chairman of the neurology department at the University of Miami's school of medicine, said in an interview Thursday.

Deprived of nutrition and hydration, Bradley said, Schiavo likely would die of heart failure in five to 10 days.

In the past few weeks there have been about 10 conflicting court orders saying alternatively to keep or remove the tube. Fifteen years ago she had a heart attack caused by an eating disorder. Now her problems stem from an eating order. And it's not just the courts; everyone is in on this game. All over the internet there are websites pleading to keep her alive, or end her suffering. I'm not about to be left out of the fun, I'm calling my bookie for the over/under on her life expectancy. And what the fuck is up with Congress suddenly working frantically to do anything? How do the same assholes who took 203 years to pass a single amendment manage to work so quickly to keep squeezing food down this veggie's feed hole. It's quite possible that Terri Schiavo is the only person in America who doesn't give a shit what happens to Terri Schiavo.

On the other hand I don't get the "kill the bitch now" movement either. Everyone seems to be in a big fucking hurry to cap her ass. I don't understand the urgency. I think it'd be interesting to see how long she can keep this up. Being alive 15 years after you died is a pretty impressive achievement. Even Tupac eventually died after releasing 20 "final" albums and movies. And we have no guarantee that removing the tube will have any effect whatsoever. Terri Schiavo may be completely unkillable like the Terminator, or Freddy Krueger. This thing could easily spiral out of control, and now that the courts are involved, I fear we'll start seeing headlines like: JUDGE ORDERS SCHIAVO TO BE SHOT OUT OF CANNON, SHREDDED BY HELICOPTER ROTORS, EATEN BY WILD DOGS.

Half

2005-03-17T13:25:00.000-05:00

OK, let me get this off my chest real quick before my own life intrudes upon my life and I have to go and do something.

A) Drillin' In Alaska

I read an article today about the town in Alaska that will be most affected by yesterday's vote in the Senate that allows for drilling in the frozen tundra of Alaska's tundra. The people of the town were talking about cemetaries that may be affected, the town's drinking water, things that are of importance to human beings. Maybe they're a bunch of man-marrying fags, but people DO like to take care of their dead and they do like drinking water to be drinkable.

The Senate was all for it and the Alaskan politicians in the article were also very pleased. The people of the town were less enthused. My feeling while reading the article is that People need to ignore their civic leaders and become leaders for themselves. This representative democracy bullshit is obviously out of touch with the people, so just side-step it. Everybody's self-defense mechanisms need to man their battle stations, and the people should put up a fight. Very simply, don't allow all that heavy machinery into your town. Lay down in front of the backloaders, aim your rifles at the dumptrucks, whatever you drill for oil with. This is exactly why people should have guns. To defend themselves from invaders. I know Ruby Ridge didn't go so well for the people on the losing end of things, but it seems like the decision about drilling in Alaska could be made real easy by the people who live there if they had some backbone and some guns.

The government is like some screwed up Co-op Board that gets to make decisions about your property. You have possesion, but you don't have decision making abilities. If I don't want someone digging holes in my backyard on my property I'm not gonna ask my co-op board if I can make them stop. I'd get all Tiananmen Square on their ass and stand in front of some tanks. People's sense of self-defense needs a shot in the ass. To replace all the bullshit that's currently lodged in there.

2) The Olympics in NYC
Dear people in charge of booking the 2012 Olympics,
Please don't let the Olympics happen here in New York City. We, the people, don't want it. There's nothing in it for us. No thank you.

The rich people here think life is a giant chess board and they can move and manipulate and bend things according to what they want. Of course they think that, that's usually what happens. They build their little stadiums and we have to deal with the bullshit that comes along with it. Well, in as loud a voice as is possible I say "fuck that proverbial noise!"

Back in September they had the Republican National Convention here and it was as good an indication as anything that what's good for THEM isn't so good for US. The police state this place became was unpleasant, however temporary it may have been. You couldn't walk where you needed to walk, people got arrested for walking while black, and the constant nonsense about terrorist dropping from the skies was annoying. If this is a preview for how the Olympics are gonna be, y'all showed your hand too early and hopefully you blew your chances.

The Olympics would be way worse. Just cause some rich people want them here doesn't mean the other 99% of us do. All that BS about $$ is nonsense too. My band isn't gonna make any more money than it does now just because the Olympics are in town. To the rich people trying to bend the universe to their will, I say "fuck off." To their 23 year old trophy wives I say "hello little kitty kat, how's about you and I go to the Marz Bar tonight and drink a little PBR on the rocks? Mee-yow."

Are You Ready for Some Bullshit?

2005-03-15T10:03:00.000-05:00

I bet you motherfuckers thought I left the game; That the world was once again safe for bullshit. Yeah right. I'm back from the dead to fuck with your head. Expect some new articles this week. In a related story, I'm looking for new ideas/contributions. If you locate some unbelievably stinky bullshit that simply can not be left to fester, please send it to me at stories@bullshit-detection.com. For any and all other comments email me at franky@bullshit-detection.com send all hate mail to have_a_coke_and_@_smile_and_shut_the_fuck_up.com.

Retired People Can't Get Enough of Hot Gay Kisses!

2005-02-21T18:52:00.000-05:00

Every time I think that I've climbed to the absolute apex of Mt. Bullshit, some Republican asshole raises the peak a few thousand feet. Recently a group called USA Next has been using the following Ad on right wing websites:

My first reaction to this was "Wait... What the Fuck... Hmm, That's... What the Fuck?" I thought the ad was going to lead to an Onion article or something. As it turns out, it's a dead serious promotion from the same ad geniuses who brought us the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth."

Obviously my five-level color coded bullshit detection indicator moved to code red as soon as I saw this. Since when has the American Association of Retired Persons been for drawing green check marks on two dudes kissing, or drawing red Xs on US Soldiers? In fact, the only thing I've ever seen a retired person put an X on is the "Triple Letter Score" box on a Scrabble board. I have never known a retired person to say any variation of "I love those homosexual gay homos, but I sure do hate the US Army Soldiers!" Obviously I was curious to find what evidence USA Next had to support this shocking revelation. Unfortunately USA Next feels no need to explain either claim. I read through dozens of poorly written articles on their website, and not one featured an AARP spokesman comments on either the Military, or Gay Marriage.

USA Next's real reason for existing is to attack the AARP's for their opposition to Bush's planned overhaul of Social Security. I don't know that much about Social Security, I'll readily admit my only reason for opposition to George Bush's plan is that I know he'll fuck it up, just like every other fucking thing he touches. I can't say for sure that private accounts won't have a greater Return on Investment than whatever the hell system we use now. I do know that if the Professor on Gilligan's Island were to build a coconut radio, I wouldn't want Gilligan to attempt to fix it. Since the strongest argument these asshats can make in favor of Bush's plan is "Retired People Like Faggots...and they uh... Hate the Troops," I'm gonna err on the side of caution, and stick with the current method.

I found it interesting that USA Next did link to an incoherent Bill O'Reilly rant accusing the AARP of being "left wing," again without any actual evidence.

OREILLY: Well, what is it? Like 35 bucks a year or something like, they're going to lose a lot of members.

SCANLON: Its $12.50. $12.50 a year.

OREILLY: $12.50 a year, so it's like they, they just want to sell you the stuff.

SCANLON: Thirty bucks for three years.

OREILLY: Right. They want to sell you their stuff. But, look, they're going to lose a lot of membership after this, and we did it on the radio today, too. exposition because they won't come on at all to explain, you know, how they started drifting left or where they are.

And I don't think the folks mind if AARP said, you know, we favor this, that and the other thing, but to try to hide it, which I really think they're trying to do, Mr. Scanlon I think they're trying to hide their left-wing agenda.

I find it kind of ironic that O'Reilly is taking issue with the AARP's exorbitant 12.50 a year membership fees. The cheapest item on the O'Reilly Store, "The Spin Stops Here" baseball cap is $16.95. A Premium Membership to O'Reilly's site is 49.99 a year. Thanks for looking out for us, you hypocritical windbag.

Matt Drudge Valiantly Defends Award Ceremony Against Rampaging Negro Onslaught

2005-02-16T22:08:00.000-05:00

I couldn't help but notice that Matt Drudge has published 11 articles in the past 3 days questioning the choice of Chris Rock as host of the 77th Annual Academy Awards. If I didn't know any better I might come to the conclusion that Drudge is actively trying to get Chris Rock fired. But that would mean that Drudge is not reporting the story, but instead trying to be a part of it.

Besides interviewing some 90 year old farts who haven't produced a motion picture since sound was invented, Drudge also dug up some Chris Rock quotes from his HBO comedy specials. Since "context" is a completely foreign concept to Matt Drudge, he printed some of Rock's jokes as if they were serious dissertations on Ethics and Morality. An example of a breathless Drudge "Exclusive" (Forgive the sentence fragments and excess punctuation):

Shock Oscar host Chris Rock recently declared that abortion in the United States is a "beautiful thing!"

"Abortion, it's beautiful, it's beautiful abortion is legal. I love going to an abortion rally to pick up women, cause you know they are f**king," Rock said during his club routine.

Wow, he called abortion a "beautiful thing" in a comedy club? What an odd place to make such an irreverent comment. It's almost as if he was telling a joke, but for some odd reason he didn't even follow up with a "just kidding," so he was clearly dead serious.

During a recent rant, Rock blasted heartland Americans.

"Weird white guys getting overly patriotic, with their f**king flag hats on," Rock said.

"I am not scared of al Qaeda, I am scare of f**king al Cracker."

One audio recording captures Rock firing off more than 35 F-words per minute!

35 fucks a minute? Holy fucking shit, that's a lot of fucks. Oh, by the way, thanks for the exclamation point Mr. Drudge. Since I'm retarded, that really helped me pinpoint the most shocking part of your "!!!!!!!EXCLUSIVE!!!!!!!!".

I though I might be alone in my surprise at how much coverage this non-story was receiving, But fellow blog star Matt Tobey was quoted as saying "The people who put on the Oscars were probably aware that Chris Rock's humor is edgy and irreverent. It's not like they picked his name out of a fucking phone book."

If you are going to take quotes from Chris Rocks comedy routine why not just run this headline "DRUDGE EXCLUSIVE: IN 1997 SPECIAL 'BRING THE PAIN' CHRIS ROCK SAID '[I] ... HATE NI**ERS.' DEVELOPING...." Technically it's true. Chris Rock said loud and clear that he hates niggers during his comedy act, therefore he is a racist white supremacist. A few moments later he said "I am tired of niggers. I wish they would let me join the Ku Klux Klan. I'd do a drive-by from LA to Brooklyn." We might as well get Adolf Hitler to sing the opening medley while we're at it!

Military Escort Whore Demoted to White House Press Room Whore.

2005-02-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

I've been watching the downfall of neoconservative shill Jeff Gannon with great joy. Gannon is a "reporter" for Talon News well know for asking loaded pro-Bush questions at White House Press conferences. An example:

Jeff Gannon: Thank you. Senate Democratic leaders have painted a very bleak picture of the U.S. economy. [Senate Minority Leader] Harry Reid [D-NV] was talking about soup lines. And [Senator] Hillary Clinton [D-NY] was talking about the economy being on the verge of collapse. Yet in the same breath they say that Social Security is rock solid and there's no crisis there. How are you going to work -- you've said you are going to reach out to these people -- how are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?

Now don't let the question mark at the end of that statement fool you, that ain't a question. Gannon has a knack for throwing out turd packets like these whenever the President or his Press Secretary are getting too much heat from real reporters. Here's an example of Gannon's well choreographed bullshit routine this time with Press Secretary Scott McClellan as a dance partner:

Gannon: "Thank you. First of all, I hope the grand jury didn't force you to turn over the wedding card I sent to you and your wife. (Laughter.) Do you see any hypocrisy in the controversy about the President's mention of 9/11 in his ads, when Democratic icon Franklin Delano Roosevelt's campaign issued this button, that says, 'Remember Pearl Harbor'? I have a visual aid for folks watching at home."

McClellan: "You're pointing out some historical facts. Obviously, Pearl Harbor was a defining moment back in the period of World War II, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt was strongly committed to winning World War II and talked about it frequently."

Even if you put aside the fact that comparing Franklin Delano Roosevelt to George Walker Bush is like comparing Albert Einstein to Corky from Life Goes On; It's pretty clear that Gannon is more interested in publicly fellating the Bush Administration than in seeking the truth.

After a few months of this bullshit, the people at MediaMatters.org, started asking "who the fuck is this guy", and "who the fuck let him in here?" Bloggers at Daily Kos and World O' Crap made some interesting discoveries by tracing back the domain jeffgannon.com. Jeff Gannon is really James D. "JD" Guckert and Mr. Guckert owns domains called "HotMilitaryStud.com" and "MilitaryEscortsM4M.com". Furthermore Guckert's AOL profile picture looks, for lack of a better term, really fucking gay.

If those domains and that photo are any indication, prior to his press whore gig for the Bush Administration, he may have been a whore for an entirely different clientele. Shortly after all of this information came to light, the douchebag formerly known as"Jeff Gannon" issued a statement on his website, officially resigning from the field of "journalism". His employer, Talon News, then went about clumsily erasing his existence from their site. Despite their misguided hope that this whitewash would free them from the laserlike focus of bullshit-detection.com, all of his articles are still available in Google caches and on archive.org. Nice try dickheads.

Stories like this are increasingly rare. The complete and utter destruction of this purveyor of Bullshit, fills me with hope for the future. However, it is disappointing to me that it took a gay sex scandal to bring this "Hot Military Stud" to his knees (metaphorically speaking). This was a fake reporter, working for a fake paper, using a fake name, asking fake questions to the President of the United States. How the hell did he get through Secret Service screenings with his false identity? Why have other member of the Latte-Drinking Secular Jew Liberal Media been so slow to recognize a phony in their midst? Why is this guy being erased from history like Marty McFly? Why is it worse to set up a website providing steamy Man4Man escorts, than to set up a website that whores for George Bush's backward agenda?

So shooting people is a chore now?

2005-02-05T20:56:00.000-05:00

Apparently pussies around the world are pissed off that a US Marine General spoke honestly about the awesomeness of shooting motherfuckers up.

Washington - The commandant of the marine corps said on Thursday he has counselled a senior subordinate for saying publicly, "It's fun to shoot some people."

Lieutenant General James N. Mattis, an infantry officer who has commanded marines in both Afghanistan and Iraq, made the comments on Tuesday while speaking to a forum in San Diego about strategies for the war on terror. Mattis is the commanding general of the Marine Corps Combat Development Command.

According to an audio recording of Mattis' remarks, he said, "Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight. You know, it's a hell of a hoot. ... It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right upfront with you, I like brawling."

He added, "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil," Mattis continued. "You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."

Call me crazy, but I don't see anything wrong with the General's comments. The only way I would feel comfortable criticizing him, would be if I could objectively prove him wrong. Since I've never shot me up any Arabs(or anyone else for that matter), I can't say for certain that it isn't "a hoot". I would guess that the vast majority of the people taking offence have never had the occasion to shoot some human beings full of holes, and are unquailified to comment on their veracity of the statements.

I guess I just don't get people. Regardless of our political affiliation, we all say we "support the troops", but once they begin to enjoy their job, we immediately turn on them. What do we expect the troops to do? Nobody wants to be in Afghanistan or Iraq. It's hot, it's dry, sand gets in your shoes and hair, there's no HBO, and all of the women look like tents. Are we going to now require soldiers to dislike guns? If they hated shooting people, they would definitely be in the wrong line of work. Maybe we are all miserable at our own jobs, and don't feel they should be any different.

The outrage at these remarks rings hollow to me. Each and every one of us loves to see fellas get filled full of lead. We were all excited to see Michael Corleone shoot that smug fat cop in the throat in The Godfather. And who among us didn't stand up and cheer when Liam Neeson gunned down half of the German Army in Schindler's List?

Hell, I don't even know what the thing pictured below is called, but I'll readily admit that it looks like a lot more fun than the Dell Optiplex GX I have on my desk at work.

General Mattis sounds like my kind of guy, he's says exactly what he means. He doesn't fuck up the english language with terms like "Collateral Damage", "Hostile Units", or phrases like "Successfully Cleared Enemy Positions". He talks about what really happens in a war, One group of Human Beings shoots up another. If they are gonna do it one way or another, why can't they have a smile on their face?